We have been on a journey for a while now to find Amos a place where he can excel and get any extra help and guidance that he might need.  I don’t want my child to fall between the cracks at a big school, get left behind or not get what services could help him blossom.  We recently toured a school and fell in love only to find out that the lottery for spots to get in was in the middle of April and basically if you’re not coming in as a kindergartener than unless someone moves you are out of luck.

Two weeks ago we got a call that a 2nd grade spot opened up.  We were thrilled and worried about just sending Cayden since he was doing so well in his class and we loved his teacher.  We took him to lunch and explained it all to him and believe it or not, he was excited about the upcoming change.  He was super sad that his brothers wouldn’t be there.  Then that day we got word a kinder spot opened.  Yippe, Amos was in!  But now Cayden and Amos were sad that Deacon wasn’t in, and Deacon, my drama child, was even more sad that he wasn’t in.

Fast forward to last Wed, and we got a call that there was a spot for Deacon!!  Yippee!!!  All the Ivey boys were in and we were moving schools.  Deacon was overjoyed when I shared the news with him in the carpool line on Wed after school.  I’m still not sure how three spots opened up so quickly, but we are thrilled.

Thursday was their final day at their school and they were all sad to leave their teachers that they loved and all their friends.  The boys decided to write notes to their teachers and give them a picture of themselves so that their teachers could remember them!

How stinking cute are those boys, and how lucky are their teachers.  They are so sweet!!!

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We have been so proud of how much he has been trying to learn.  He reads at night and I can see him catching on more and more.  He has made more so much progress in kindergarten, and although I feel like sometimes he’s so far behind, I have to remind myself of how far he has come!

Part of me is having to let it go.  I can do all I can to instruct him and encourage him and the rest is just him.  And I’m okay with that.  I’m okay that he’s not on the same reading level with his brother.  You know why I’m okay with that.

Because he’s Amos.

He’s not his brother.

He’ll never be his brother.

He’ll always be Amos!

Look what my son was given last semester:

Oh yeah baby … MOST IMPROVED STUDENT.  I couldn’t have been more proud if they would have said ALL A/B HONOR ROLL.  This kid is rocking it.  He is learning.  He is trying.  He is AMOS!

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On a serious note, because kidnapping Karen Purvis to make her help me parent is clearly not serious, nor a good idea, I have gained so much insight today.  As I said my brain hurts, but y’all my heart hurts too.  I feel sad and defeated.  I feel lonely and afraid.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel as though this is too hard, and I’m not cut out for this.

While Brad, Noelle and I rode back to our house we’re staying in we all talked about all the ways we suck at parenting.  Everything we’re doing wrong.  All the times we’ve screwed up.  So many ways we’ve failed our kids.

I then said that we can’t live in this world of beating ourselves up.  It’s not healthy.  We need to live in the grace God gives us.  Accept his rebuke and forgiveness and move on.  Try to be better and do the right thing, and when you do praise yourself and when you don’t be gracious with yourself.

I’m preaching this to myself, because instead of listening today and nodding my head in agreement with the things we are doing right and the things we have done that are benefiting my child (because thankfully there was some stuff I’m doing right), I only remember the tears that came as I realized things we’re doing are not good, and could be harming our child’s growth in trust and security with us.  It’s easy to forget the way we do provide a secure environment and loving words and touch to our child and only think about the times we’ve selfishly chosen our own will over being a parent that’s emotionally connected to their child.

You see, I’m preaching to myself.

I have so much to unpack from today.  Right now, I’m alone in my room and missing my kids like crazy.  Normally I would love to be away from them and have peace and quiet, but after today I only wanted to touch their faces, hold their hands, snuggle with them and look in their eyes and connect emotionally with them.  I desired my kids so much when the last speaker was done and we were through. I physically ached to hold them.

But tonight I can’t.

Although … thanks to Apple I did get to see their faces and give them telephone kisses.

Tomorrow is another day at the conference and I honestly don’t know how much more my brain and heart can take.  I’m ready to learn and be reminded of what things work best with parenting children who come to us hurt and from hard places.  I desire so badly to be the best mom possible I can to all four of my precious babies.  I’m begging God to mold me and change me into a mom that is there for my kids not just with physical presence, but also and probably more importantly with emotional connection.

I have so much to share from this conference.  I’ll leave you with this.  I will find a way to say “YES” more than I say “no”.  I will find more ways to give my kids a voice, even if it means compromise.  I will not view compromise as a win for the kid and a loss for parent.  I will view it as a voice.  Every kid deserves a voice.  I will take my own sinful patterns and ask Jesus to stomp them out and help me walk through my past and see how I can change patterns and behaviors in my life to help me be a better parent.

Oh there’s so much more to talk about …. until then I need a glass of wine and a mindless tv show.  My brain is fried.

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I have found a few new blogs that I’m loving these days.  I was first attracted to this one because there are birds in the header, and I think they look so cute!!!  I recently saw this and thought I’d try it out as well!  Enjoy this pointless post with stupid information about me that probably no one cares about!!!

6. What did you have for breakfast? nothing. 

48. Coffee drinker? Yes, but don’t feel like i have to have it.  didn’t today.  wanted it though.

There you go, if you made it all the way to the end, you are bored, or my mom!

I’ll leave you with this picture since I never showed you all before.  Here we are on Halloween …

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We all have them.

I hate mine.
But oh how I love mine.
Wait? I really do hate mine.
But sometimes I act like I truly love mine.

That’s the problem. They are constantly pulling on me, and I’m constantly trying to lose them.

Recently our pastor, Matt Carter, has been speaking on idols. How we have things in our life that take the place of our God. In one sermon he listed out four ways we could identify our idols. I was pretty certain I would struggle with one, maybe two on a really bad day. After he listed them I’m pretty sure I’m batting 1,000. 4 for 4 people. That’s how screwed up I am!

Comfort.
Power.
Control.
Approval.

Watch this video when you have 42 mintues. You won’t regret it. Or download the podcast so you can listen while you are stuck in traffic.

Counterfeit Love: Idols Identified from The Austin Stone on Vimeo.

This morning my control idol raged and took down one of my kids with it. I like to be in control of things. When my kids are obeying I feel in control. When my kids are doing just as I ask I feel in control. I like control.

I hate feeling out of control.

That’s maybe why God has so graciously allowed me to be the mommy to a very fabulous 6 year old boy who came home to us hurting and needing power and control as well. He pushes my control button and I think I push his. We are a great match.

Let me say this one thing and then I’m back to this morning … I didn’t get up before my kids. They woke me up. This morning was chaotic. I’m fully convinced this morning would have looked completely different had I been disciplined in the act of waking up “for” my kids and not “to” my kids. Okay. I screwed up. I know this. I’m basking in God’s grace to me today. New mercies every morning!

I won’t tell you what brought out the actions in Amos, but I asked him to do something (not out of the ordinary, he has to do this a lot – part of morning routine!) and he was pissed and not having it. Stomped his feet. Folded his arms. Rolled his eyes. Refused.

Oh can you feel my control idol raging. I do not like feeling out of control. When a kid acts this way I feel as all control is gone. Gone. I’m losing. I must win.

Fast forward 30 minutes and I won alright, but there were many tears, and one kid very late to school. I won. I didn’t care about his heart. I won.

Amos got off to school and all was fine. We were happy with each other and the drama was over. I had won. At least I thought I had won. My winning came at the expense of Amos, and him not getting a heart lesson, and only a “YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, OR ELSE” lesson. Yuck. Yes my control idol flared. I needed to feel in control. I accomplished feeling that control at the expense of not parenting my child’s heart and only demanding the appropriate actions.

I actually lost.

Unfortunately so did Amos.

0-0 for both of us. No one wins.

So … I called Aaron and my girlfriend and talked it through. I need control. The thing is I also need to parent my child correctly. I truly want that too. I need to view having control of my child differently. I need to not feel out of control when a child doesn’t obey, because aren’t we here to help them when they make bad choices? Aren’t we here to help their hearts learn to trust and love? Aren’t we here to help them learn to obey out of the over-flow of their heart and not just so mom doesn’t yell?

I missed it this morning.

After I talked it through I told Aaron, that I was choosing to accept God’s grace. Admitting that I screwed up and that I should have handled it differently, and I wouldn’t walk around defeated today. I would ask God to clearly help me when this raging need for control rises in me. I would ask God to help me parent my child out of love and through the love of Christ and not my need to look good with “perfect” children.

Parenting a child that has entered your home via adoption is a bit different. God is molding me each day through this. Next time this happens, probably today at some point, I’m going to realize that my need for control can not be bigger than my desire to love my kids with all I have and parent them well. That’s my true desire. That’s what I want.

Oh Lord help us parents to parent well. Help us to show grace as you show grace to us. Help us to love as you have loved us. Help us to guide as you guide us. Help us lay down ourselves for those around us. Help us lean into you when our need for control rises up in us. Help us to trust in your plan and your goodness and your faithfulness.

Gosh I love my kids.

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The Payoff Is Worth The Price

I used to be a soccer mom, but not the normal kind.

When our girls were little, my husband came home with a flyer about a women’s soccer league and even though I had never played and had no idea how to play soccer I knew it involved running around a lot and kicking things…so I signed up.

It was so fun. About halfway through the season, I thought I was getting the hang of it and in one particular game, one of my teammates was really struggling on defense. The girl she was guarding was faster than she was and all through the game I kept having to run over to that part of the field to help out.

PLAY YOUR POSITION
Finally, I went to the coach and, not so humbly, suggested that since I was kinda fast (Yep, I said that. Not my finest moment.), maybe I should take her spot.

He smiled, looked at me kindly and said, “Thanks, but I really need someone there who will play their position and not run off and chase after the ball constantly.”

Well, that was embarrassing.

It was really humbling at the time, but it stuck with me as an incredible life lesson.

LAY IT DOWN
Shortly thereafter, we were expecting our third child, and at the time I did freelance web development work, wrote a couple blogs, played soccer, led a small group at our church and had various other responsibilities in addition to taking care of my two girls.

But I felt strongly that God wanted me to “play my position.” To lay down all the other things I was doing and fully embrace my role as a mom. So I stepped back from those other commitments and began to focus on being the best mom I could be. It was hard. I gravitate towards business and grownup-y things. Kids? Not so much. I never even knew my mom, so I was stepping into completely unchartered territory. I didn’t know what it was like to be a daughter, so how could I begin to be a mom?

(Note: This isn’t a post about working outside the home or not. Goodness knows Jamie’s had that discussion one or a million times. But it *is* about the power of fully embracing whatever position we are in and letting God show His beautiful strength in our weakness.)

FOR MY KIDS NOT TO MY KIDS
A few months later, I hit a low point. It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And I was sure I was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom. I felt like I was completely failing.

After I’d finally gotten all the kids to bed, I sat down and went straight to the ugly cry, I thought, “Lord?! What am I doing? I was an awful mom today. My kids are going to need years of therapy because of my grump-o-matic attitude today. Help me…!”

Honestly, I knew what I needed to do before my prayer even ended. I knew, but I wasn’t excited about it. I needed to get up earlier and spend time with Him in the morning like I used to.

I didn’t really want to do it. I’d given up so much (or so I thought) for motherhood. I didn’t want to give up the little sleep I got, too.

Because when you’re a mom of little ones, things that you never dreamed would be optional, become optional. Like bathing. And eating hot food. And for me, my quiet time had gone by the wayside too in those early years of sleep deprived survival.

But I knew that it was time to start getting up FOR my kids instead of TO my kids. And so I did. Cue the spot light and angelic chorus. That was the start of a truly consistent, life giving morning habit of reading my Bible, praying, focusing on Him, and allowing Him to order my heart and my day.

THE PAYOFF
And out of that time, out of the overflow of His word and His grace, He began transforming me. I slowly developed a newfound passion for motherhood. I saw through my children’s eyes like never before. I had so much more vision for who they were and who they could become. It had a fantastic impact on my attitude, my patience level and my heart for my family…

The payoff was well worth the price.

You will never wish you’d spent more time on Facebook reading about your number three best friend from third grade. You’ll never wish you’d watched more reality show marathons. And you’ll never wish you’d spent more late nights doing unimportant things.

Likewise…

You’ll never regret the time you spend in prayer for your children. You’ll never regret giving God more of your heart so He can mend it. You’ll never regret exchanging a late night of nothing for an early morning of everything.

Each day is a blank canvas, give Him the first opportunity to paint His truth on you. He chose you for your children. So let’s get up FOR our kids and not TO our kids. In those early morning hours, He will smooth out your rough edges, heal the broken places and make you into the mom you (and He) always dreamed you’d be. He called you to it, He will be faithful to do it. (1 Thess 5:24)

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Here’s what she’s sending to school from her son. Seriously so cute.

Yes I’m jealous. I mean it’s one thing to pin this on pintrest and act like you are going to do it one day, and it’s another thing to actually do it. Yes she does it. Every year. Me, not so much.

But if you are in my boat, no fear I have a solution for you. I did this last year and was so happy to see that the Fox family is once again offering Valentine’s to raise money for their adoption. This is a win for everyone. They win with raising money and I win with not giving any money to “the man” and still don’t have to be crafty.

This year the Fox family is actually in Columbia right now with their baby girl!  They have been there for 3 weeks and could be there as much as 8 weeks total.  Oh good gracious send a prayer up for them now.  I encourage you to go and check out their blog.  Great story, great pictures, and some super cute Valentine’s!

I’ll be printing these out again this year probably on Monday at midnight and then will rush the kids over breakfast on Tuesday to get them done. That’s just how I roll.  I’m already taking deep breaths for the stress that will incur.

You can thank me on Monday night while you print these out and frantically scribble your kids name on there to make it look like they truly wrote it.

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I read this verse a few weeks ago and can’t get it out of my mind.  I believe that all things work together for good, and that even when things seem out of control for us and we have no clue why things are happening, that there is purpose in them for God.  Believing that God is sovereign when things are going well is super easy.  Still believing that in the midst of trial, sickness, death and the list could go on and on, is a little harder.  For me, having the knowledge that God’s in it all brings me so much more comfort than the thought that he’s only in the good.  I know he’s in it all, and I need that.  I need to know that what looks bad to me is not necessarily bad to him.  I want it to bring him glory.  The good and the bad.

The other day we had a pre-op visit for our son Deacon who has RRP and will be having his 7th surgery at the end of this month.  His last surgery was in February of 2011 and so the fact that we went a whole year is amazing in itself.  In 2010 he had four surgeries and his first surgery ever was in December of 2009.  There’s a big chance he’ll have these surgeries for the rest of his life.  There’s no cure for this disease.  The doctors aren’t even 100% sure how you get this disease.  It is rare and unpredictable.

At the doctor visit we talked about the upcoming surgery and that there are probably some bumps in there.  Deacon listens to everything and I’m sure that he heard this.  We pray for his bumps to go away and never come back.  Yes, God can do that, but besides a miracle from God they will always come back.  Reality.

When we got in the car to take Deacon to school he seemed very sad.  We knew why.  He takes all this in and literally his heart is sad.  Aaron talked to him and sure enough Deacon was sad for two reasons.  #1 because he was late to school (Poor thing hates being late and God chose me to be his mom!!) and #2 because he thinks his bumps are back.  (On a side note here, we won’t know if the bumps are 100% back until he gets in there and looks around, but we think there are some.)

As Aaron told me this I started to cry at the thought of my son having to walk through this as a 6 year old.  I always say that I want God to be glorified in this disease, but for some reason that seems like too much to ask my son to feel that way too.  He’s six.  I would bear this burden for him in a heart beat if I could.  I would have bumps all over my body if it meant he didn’t have any.  I would have surgery 10 times a year if it meant he didn’t have to have surgery.  I would take it all.

I’m still asking God to be glorified through these surgeries.  I’m wanting to trust him and lean on him for the protection of my son and his life.  I truly hope that as Deacon grows that he can see his parents display for him a heart that loves God and trusts his hand on our lives.

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I tried to do one this afternoon with all the kids around me and Aaron, but after viewing it again it’s just not good. One kid pushed another kid, one started crying, and I’m pretty sure the kid that’s been rolling his their eyes at me did that in the video when I asked him them to say Hi! lovely.

So, I redid my video and you’ll find it below. The link up is through CAPTIVATED BY GRACE. This girl looks super sweet and she loves Jesus.

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