Like most of you I’m sure you have had some deep conversations with your kids lately about why things happen and the fears that might bring up in them.  Things like the Boston bombings, earthquakes and tornados always bring up a sense of fear in my children that I want to protect them from, but also expose them to.  I do want to shelter my children from these things, and yet at the same time I don’t want to shelter them from this at all.  Let me explain what I’m saying here.

First off I do want to shelter my kids from the craziness of this world.  There are so many things that are too much for their innocent brains and hearts to bear.  We hardly ever have the news on during our kids waking hours because it’s too much for them.  They don’t need to be burdened with the evil in the world.  They are too young for this.  So this leads me to want to protect their hearts.  When tragedy does strike we will talk about it, but leave out most of it because it’s too much for them.

But on the other hand I want to expose them to evil, tragedy and suffering because the truth of the matter is that none of us are exempt from these things in life.  Evil is lurking all around us and we don’t get to pick where it strikes.  Tragedies happen daily in the world and we know good and well from movie theatre shootings to race bombings that you don’t get to be safe anywhere anymore.  There is no more safe.  And if I never expose my children to suffering their world be turned even more upside down when tragedy does strike our family, and the odds are that it will strike us sometime.

So how do I go about this with my kids?  How do I protect them and yet expose them at the same time?  Here’s what we do in these situations.  I’ll use the OK tornado and the Sandy Hook shooting as an example since it’s fresh on our minds.  My kids do know about this tornado because we have had the news reports on about it.  But they don’t know everything and I don’t think they should.  Do they need to know that kids drowned in the basement of the school?  No, that’s information that’s too much for them.  My kids know about the Sandy Hooks shooting because I told them before their teacher or friends could.  Do they need to know all the details about how the shooter killed those childcare?  Nope, that is too much for them.

We have told our kids about these tragedies and sufferings, but only age level appropriateness.  They don’t need to know it all.

Secondly, we teach our kids that this did not surprise God.  He’s still in control and he hasn’t left us or abandoned us during trials and sufferings.  I want my kids to know that God’s word says that he “accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will” (Eph 1:11).  All things, not just the good things.  I want my kids to know that God’s word says that he “makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust” (Matt 5:45).  I want them to know that no one is exempt from hard times.  It’s not bad people that have bad things happen to them.  We can’t be good enough to escape trials and sufferings.

When Amos asked why the tornado happened and I explained like I always do, that we don’t know, but God was not surprised by that tornado and he wasn’t caught off guard.  He didn’t turn his head to talk to someone and low and behold a disaster happened.  God was there the whole time, for his word says “He it is who makes the clouds rise at the end of the earth, who make lightings for  the rain and brings forth the wind from this storehouses” (Psalm 153:7).

Amos then asks the question we are all asking, and that’s why.  Why would God do this?  Why would God be in control when a disaster strikes and people die.  I tell him the same thing I always tell my kids when they ask this question, and that’s that I don’t know.  I don’t know why God would chose this route, but I do trust him.  I do believe that he is in control.  Those verses above that I quoted assure me of that.  I tell my kids that God’s word tells us that he’s a part of everything in this world and nothing is by chance or luck.  Amos 3:6 says “Is a trumpet blown in a city, and the people are not afraid?  Does disaster come to a city unless the LORD has done it?”

Here’s what I want my kids to know.

God is in control.  Eph 1:11

God has not left us.  Matt 6:26

God is in the good and the bad, and this brings us hope and peace when the bad strikes.  Amos 3:6, Gen 50:20,

God is not beat by disaster/trial/suffering.  He uses it to bring us closer to him.  James 1, John 16:33, Romans 5:3

So, when tragedy strikes our family in disease, death, or natural disaster, I want my kids to cling to the hope that God is with us.  He hasn’t turned his back on us through tragedy, instead he is bringing us closer to him.  Suffering leads us to persevere  and to joy. May this be what my children learn in life.  Tragedy will happen to us.  We can still stay strong through suffering.  Not by our own measures, but because of Jesus and what he’s done for us.

Deacon gave me this once when I was feeling sick.  It says that I can “sleep wit the dogs for 2 days”.  If you have a child that has a lovey you know that this is precious.  Deacon has had these dogs since he was a baby and although he doesn’t need them anymore, they are still special.  When Deacon gave me this box with his puppies and this cute note it brought me to tears.  My son was bringing me his best.  He was sacrificing his puppies so that I could have them.  Instead of him sleeping with them, he thought that for 2 nights I should be able to.

This showed me so much love from my son.  Deacon’s a tricky one, and sometimes I’m not sure what’s going on in his little head, but when he does something like this for me it screams I LOVE YOU.

I’m 100% glad that Cayden will be on this trip because I think it will help me process the emotions that I will be feeling.  I can’t even explain how I feel about Haiti.  In fact when I say it out loud it sounds like quite possibly the dumbest thing I can possibly think of.  You see this year I’ve been working through some deep hurt from our adoption process.  I think I’ve suppressed these feelings and just gotten on with life, but this trip is forcing me to deal with them.

I would say that our adoption process was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through in my life this far.  And in a very close second, if not tied for first place, would be the first year after Amos was home.  And so somewhere in my messed up brain and heart I have placed all the blame for those hard times on the country of Haiti.  You see, it’s dumb.  I’m mad at a country.  Not a person.  A country.

Sounds ridiculous.

But, I’m working through it.  I’m praying to God that on this trip he would soften my heart towards this country that moved me so deeply during my first trip in 2006.  I’m asking God to put a sense of hope back in me for a country that in my mind has hurt me and my child so deeply.  I’m asking God to provide emotional healing for me while I’m there.  I’m asking God to renew my passion for helping the people there.  We have friends that are involved in ministries that do amazing things there, and I would love to be able to support them not only financially, but also emotionally as well.

So, I’m asking you to pray for me as well.  Will you pray that as I step off that plane and walk to the airport that I will feel HIS presence with me constantly.  That it will be a supernatural peace in my heart that only comes from HIM.  To pray that while I’m there I can make new memories of visits there, that don’t involve heart wrenching departures.

Thanks friends.  I leave Friday and return Tuesday.  5 days for God to do big things in me.  I’m hopeful.

Our adoption journey has taken so many twists and turns, it is crazy to think back to the question: “How did we know where to adopt from?” Justin and I started our adoption journey back in the spring of 2008. Our son Jaxon was 2 years old and we were ready to grow our family. We had just gotten back from our second trip to China and the Chinese people had stolen our hearts. Chinese adoption was an obvious choice for us. We knew that the Chinese adoption process took 2-­‐3 years, so we decided to go ahead and start the process while we were trying to get pregnant. The paperwork frenzy began. By the beginning of 2009, our papers were signed, sealed & delivered and were headed to China. We received our official “log-­‐in” date of April 2009. Our agency told us that it would be about 1-­‐2 years before we would be matched with a little girl that would become our daughter.

This started a very painful season for me. After more than a year of trying, we still were not pregnant. The word kept coming that the wait for our Chinese adoption would be more like 3-­‐5 years. For as long as I could remember, all I ever wanted was to be a wife & a mom with a house full of kids. All around me people were getting pregnant and adopting so quick and easily. The phrase I feel like God kept speaking to me was: “Wait…keep believing in MY GOODNESS, but wait.” ARGH!!

This leg of the journey went on until the summer of 2010. In July, Justin approached me with the crazy idea of us considering foster-­‐to-­‐adopt. Without hesitation I said, “NO WAY!” There was no way that I could love a baby knowing that I might have to give him or her back. I could not survive that with all the emotional struggles I experienced in not being able to grow our family!  I kept thinking and praying about this whole foster-­‐to-­‐adopt idea.  I couldn’t get it out of my head and off my heart.   God used two things to open my heart in moving forward with foster-­‐to-­‐adopt.  The first, happened one day in early August 2010.  I heard God speak to me so clearly.  He made clear to me that it was not my job to self-­‐preserve my own heart.  I’m supposed to love who he has given me to love, and let HIM take care of my heart…no matter what the risk. The second thing God used was a lady that I had met through a ministry that helps women who are in the cycle of poverty & abuse. I had been mentoring this woman for several months. Her teenage daughter had a baby in November of 2009 and I knew they were struggling. Justin asked me if I had a chance to foster her granddaughter for 6 months and then give her back, would I do it? Of course I said, “Yes!” Having a face to put with the idea of fostering made it feel so different. So we decided when summer was over, we would begin the process of foster-­‐to-­‐adopt…while we waited on our Chinese adoption, and continued trying to get pregnant.

About a week later I received a call from the woman that I had been mentoring. She called on a Thursday morning and asked if we would consider letting her 9 month old granddaughter live with us. CPS was probably going to remove her from the home and she wanted us to take care of her. We were blown away! How amazing that God had totally prepared our hearts for this! She texted the next morning to ask if we could meet her at court. After a couple of hours, we watched grandmother & mom put their 9 month old baby girl in our car…with tears streaming down their faces.

We were definitely open to adoption, but also wanted to see God redeem & restore this birth mom so that she could have the joy of being a healthy mother. We spent 16 months loving this beautiful baby girl & investing in her birth mother. In December 2011, she was returned home to her birth mom with CPS still monitoring their progress. The loss of the little girl we had grown to love as our own had many emotions wrapped up in it, but we fought to trust God.

When 2012 began, we decided to make the switch to special needs with our Chinese adoption. It had been 4 years now since we started this whole process and we were ready to have some resolution. Our caseworker looked every month to match us with a little girl without success. I felt like my heart was getting torn in two. It was so painful to give back our foster daughter, to not find a Chinese match for us, and still not able to get pregnant.

The book’s written by our pastor, Matt Carter, and our friend, Colt McCoy.  They also did some amazing videos to go along with the study, and Aaron actually was a part of doing the score for it.  (That’s the music for all you non music/movie peeps out there … don’t feel bad, it had to be explained to me as well!)

Anyhow, I just wanted to share these two videos with you today.  One is of Colt sharing about the injury that took him out of the National Championship game  in 2010.  Colt also shares this story in the book, and y’all I cried when reading it.  Maybe because he’s our friend, or maybe because I’m an athlete (once an athlete, always an athlete.  right?!?!?)  and can understand that pain, or maybe just because it’s a sad story for someone that wanted something so badly and it was taken away from them by something they couldn’t control.

Counterfeit Love: An Interview with Colt McCoy from The Austin Stone on Vimeo.   Cleveland Brown’s Quarterback, Colt McCoy, shares his story behind the 2009 National Championship. He sits down with Austin Stone’s Matt Carter to share how God has used struggles and successes in his career to strengthen his relationship with Christ.To view more stories from The Austin Stone visit: http://austinstone.org/stories
The next video was shot when Colt & Matt were filming for the video series that goes along with their book, The Real Win.  I can’t even explain it, but you have to watch because you won’t believe it’s real!

I told you.  Crazy!  Anyhow, enjoy these videos, and enjoy your Friday.  Today’s our last Friday of school …… Praise the Lord!

I surely hope that you are encouraged by Colt’s story.

Anyhow, before I tell you about the awesome burgers that my husband made, I thought I’d tell you about our favorite burgers in Austin.  You see Austin is an awesome place for food and it’s one of our favorite things about this city.  The food is AH-MAZING.  I am not lying to you about this.  So, if you are traveling to Austin and want a good burger here are the places I recommend you getting one.

1.  HOPDODDY

Seriously I can hardly contain myself with that goodness on the screen.  This is by far one of the best burgers I have ever had in my life.  Now, let me tell you that if you show up here around mealtimes there will be a line out the door.  Plan for it.  Wait in it.  It’s worth it.  I would not steer you wrong.  Seriously go check out their menu and be amazed at all their products that come straight from farmers here in Texas.  I love that so much, and seriously can you really eat too much Kobe beef?

2.  Phil’s Ice House

Phil’s is actually one of the first restaurants that I visited when we moved to Austin.  My friend, Leslie, invited me and I was expecting something very different since it has the words “ice house” in the name, but this is one of our favorite family friendly restaurants around town.  Our kids love to play on the playscape, and it doesn’t beat that it’s connected to Amy’s Ice Cream.  I hate that I don’t have a picture to show you from Phil’s, but their website is down.  I can however tell you that the selections at Phil’s are one of my favorites around town.  I highly recommend the Violet Crown and the 78704 burgers.  Also the veggie burger is amazing and you can get it on any of their different options.  Closely behind their amazing burgers, are their amazing sweet potato fries.  They are to die for, and I could literally eat 3 whole baskets without even thinking twice about it.  They are that good.

3.  Contigo

We love Contigo for too many reasons to count, and their burger is one of the reasons.  They describe their food as “fresh, quality bar food” and that’s what it is.  This is one of our favorite places in town to hang out, because if you stop for a minute you just feel like you are in your backyard with a bunch of friends.  That’s our favorite thing in the world, and this restaurant captures that perfectly.  Not too mention their burger comes on a homemade bun and all their ingredients are fresh and I have even heard a rumors that they slaughter their own pig once a week at the restaurant.

So, those are my top three burger places in town.  Some of my friends also mentioned these places that would be worth trying:   Counter Cafe, Top Notch, & Roaring For.  I haven’t had any of the burgers there, but I have friends that also wouldn’t steer you wrong!

This week we had our own burger night and I must say my man makes some awesome burgers on the grill.  We have been getting a good bit of our meat from our friend Colt and it’s just something different to eat meat that you know where it comes from and you know who killed it.

Anyhow, Aaron made awesome burgers and topped them with our favorite cheese lately, Tillamook cheese.   Nothing beats good cheese and you can tell that this cheese comes from cows that haven’t received any artificial hormones and y’all that stuff is important!

{might I just say my man looks all good and ready for summer here – all those push ups are looking good on him! – okay gag for the lovey dovy talk … }

I say it all the time, but we love family nights, outside around our table, with good food.  One day our kids will realize that while all their other friends were eating chicken nuggets, spaghetti O’s, and frozen pizza, that their parents were feeding them real beef, fresh tuna, scallops, quinoa salad, sweet potato lasagna, cauliflower soup, homemade pizza, kale salad, and lots of other goodness that their friends will have never heard of!

So, HAPPY NATIONAL BURGER MONTH!!!  

Go and enjoy yourself a burger this month and tell me where your favorite place to get a burger is!  

*Thanks to Tillamook for supplying us some awesome cheese for our burgers.  They have a coupon for YOU as well.  Click HERE to get your coupon.  The Tillamook $1 off Natural Slices coupon will be available until May 21, 2013. It will expire within 30 days of printing, so don’t forget to use it soon! Please reach out to Tillamook directly with any questions, comments, or concerns about the coupon.*

We were driving along and out of no where Story starts talking about when she was in my belly before she was born.  You would have thought the boys were going to break their necks trying to turn around to correct her as fast as they could.  We all laughed about it, and then that night I pulled out her baby book and went through it with her again.  She has seen this thing a million times, and somehow she missed the part about me visiting her for the first time at 6 weeks old.  Or maybe she never looked at the pictures of her and her Haiti mom together.  Or it could have been the one of her and I getting on the airplane to come home finally.  Whichever ones she missed, I made sure we covered them that day.

Then another day recently she asked me if when little brown girls grow up if they turn to white girls.  First of all I giggled on the inside because to an adult this seems so ludicrous, but then I sighed a bit, because it’s just another example of her feeling different.  She didn’t say she wanted white skin (Amos has, Deacon never has), and she didn’t seem sad or hurt at all.  She didn’t act like she was feeling different, she was just matter-of-a-fact asking if that happened.

We talked about it and I talked about how perfect God is and that he gives everyone the most perfect skin for themselves and they get to keep it forever, unless you are Michael Jackson, but I didn’t share that with her yet.  I’ll wait until she’s at least 8.  She nodded and we moved on to the next subject.

Both of these conversations are constant reminders of how much we parents to children via adoption always need to be talking to them about their lives.  The mistake we can make is thinking everything’s okay because they aren’t talking about it.  When the truth is that they are thinking about it whether or not they are talking or not, and so it’s our job to bring it up.

Recently Story and I read a book that was such a good read for preschool children.  I would recommend this for any family, and not just those that have grown through adoption.  It’s called ALL BEARS NEED LOVE and it’s written by Tanya Valentine.  Tanya wrote this book in response to all the many unexpected questions, comments and curiosities that accompanied her son’s adoption.  Here’s a snip it about the book, “When Baby Bear arrives at City Zoo, all alone and very frightened, Mama Polar Bear scoops him into her arms and promises to be his mother.  Despite the grumblings and protests of the other animals, Baby Brown Bear learns family is family, no matter the differences, and all bears need love.”

Tanya has graciously given me a book to give away to one of you guys!  Enjoy and good luck!  If you don’t win, don’t worry, you can get it HERE on Amazon.  This would make a great gift for any child this year!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

*I was graciously given a book to keep and one to give away, but was not required to write this.  These are my own opinions and wasn’t compensated for this post.*

I inhaled her sweet newborn scent and stroked the soft skin of her cheek. Her eyes were heavy with sleep, her belly full. She made soft breathing noises that let me know she was content. My heart stuttered and stopped, filled with love for this tiny monkey-space alien, as her father called her. As her breathing deepened into sleep, I thought about our next steps. My body, after a second difficult delivery, was done having kids. It was time. So I started praying for her or him–the child that would come not through my body, but would be grafted into our family via adoption.

When we first started the adoption process I had no idea where we were headed. Our biological children were 20 months and a few days old. I liked the glamor of international adoption, but I also had a heart for kids in foster care. So my husband and I—with me prompting and pulling—started taking foster care classes. It was our foray into orphan care while we figured out what adoption meant for our family.

A few months later my sister moved in with us for a short time, in between wrapping up an internship in Canada and moving overseas. She started asking me questions like, “If I find a baby in six months that’s an orphan, will you take it?” I don’t know how anyone could say no to that. And this desire was birthed in my heart to be intimately connected with the country my sister was living in.

Uganda. I had no idea if it was even possible to adopt from there so I started researching. I stumbled across two agencies that had Uganda adoption programs. Two weeks later we met a family who had just brought their son home. I invited myself over and just pounded them with questions. I asked about any kids they knew about or orphanages they would recommend. It would be nearly three years later when we stepped off the plane with our daughter—three years of heartache and waiting and disappointment.

God whispered two verses to my heart that I clung to during this time. The first is from Proverbs, “The heart of man plans his ways but the Lord establishes his steps” (16:9). I knew that as Doug and I walked this journey, as long as we were sensitive to the working of the Holy Spirit, that our steps were secure. There were many times I felt like a chicken with my head cut off, just running around in circles, taking erratic steps that didn’t pan out. It was frustrating as hell. All I wanted was to love an orphan and why, why, WHY was it not happening?

But again and again these words comforted my heart, reminding me that God was directing my husband and me to the completion of our family. This was his plan, not ours. All I had to do was plan to the extent of wise counsel and pick up my feet, one after the other.

Even after we found her, were matched, had all our paperwork ready to go it was still nine months before we got a court date and three months before we could fly over to be with her.  It was a year of her being sick as a dog, knowing that we had everything she needed right here. And then it still took two months in country to get everything finalized.  The second verse, which was all I could muster up on some days, was from Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Again, that sense of walking forward, picking up my feet in obedience, and trusting God to bring me through. It became my mantra. Things were so cloudy sometimes that I couldn’t see straight through to the end. And even after we were supposed to be on the downhill slope, things were murky and unclear.

But the God who knit Matthew and Kyler in my womb, who brought them forth out of me, was continuing to knit us together as a family. It required trust on my end–trust in my husband to lead us through this and trust in my God who was bringing this about. His voice filled my heart and mind, continually declaring, “Pick up your feet, Sarah. Pick up your feet. Follow me, even when you don’t see where you’re stepping. Trust me to smooth out the questions and lead you.”

All I did for three or four years was read, dream, and plan. I asked questions anytime I had the opportunity. I listened to people’s stories. I met with families who were in the process, or had finally brought their kids home. Anytime I felt a stirring in my heart, I explored that option. I researched, read, and then talked to Doug about what I had I found. Eventually our steps took us to Uganda and our ten year old daughter. Definitely not part of our plan, but there was no doubting what God set before us.

I feel like every adoption story is filled with waiting, anticipation, and flexibility. There are surprises–good and bad–all throughout the journey. That’s why I needed those verses. This whole process was so different from what I imagined when I prayed that first hesitant prayer, holding Kyler when she was only a few days old. I needed to know that I was never alone and just as I held that tiny baby and nurtured her, God was holding me and leading me. I was not alone. He was directing our steps from that very first moment.

Sarah Drinka lives, reads, and writes in Austin, TX. She also mothers three and occasionally gets to date her husband. She blogs over at www.sarahdrinka.com mostly about adoption, human trafficking, Jesus, and general life things with which she wrestles.

If you are sad today because of this holiday, I want you to know that God is there with you.  He has not forgotten you, and he understands your pain.

If this holiday didn’t go as planned for you, I want you to know that sometimes our expectations can ruin things for us.  Your kids do love you, even if they didn’t even remember that today was all about you.  Your husband does love you even if he didn’t even acknowledge your mothering of his children.  You are loved my friend.  You are important.

Mothering is the hardest job in the world, and I’m reminded of this each and every day as I look back on the day before I go to bed. Some days I have way more positives to think about as I fall asleep, and other days I feel as though God made a huge mistake by giving me these four kids.   Mothering is a job that is never receives the compensation that it deserves.  You will always give more than you receive.  Your job is never ending and there’s never a time you clock out for the day.

Moms you are amazing and deserve more than you will ever get.  But I want you to remember that our worth is not found in anything our kids make for us, or give us, or tell us.  Moms your worth is always found in Jesus and him alone.  Let’s all go to bed remembering that tonight.

Here are some of my posts from over the past few years about parenting.  Enjoy.

Dreading Baby Dedications

Parental Mistake #894

I’m a Mom and I need some help

Day 24 of Amos being home

Guarding our kids from evil

Cayden’s yellow face

Comparing my kids to… my kids

Needing Control

Less Laundry and More Fun

My need for control isn’t working

Change my heart

My journey to Motherhood & how I used to think life isn’t fair

1.  These new floral shorts from the GAP are amazing!  I pulled them out and showed them to Aaron and he said they looked like a dish towel for our kitchen.  What does he know?  These are super comfy and look super cute!

2.  I received this necklace for my birthday from NOONDAY and isn’t it beautiful.  I will be wearing this with almost everything I wear this summer!

3.  Speaking of Noonday, I received a gift certificate for my birthday for Noonday and I think I’m gonna get this necklace because I love it so much!

4.  I have been saving all of our old SPUR58 tshirts from over the years and I finally have a quilt to keep them forever!  If you don’t know who Spur58 is, don’t worry, you just haven’t known me for that long.  Aarons’ band was named SPUR58 before we moved here to Austin and so it’s a huge memory for us!  Recently I had a friend make this quilt for me and I’m in love!  I have also saved all of my t shirts from high school and want to do this as well.  You still have all your school shirts from high school, don’t you?  Aaron thinks I’m crazy.  I have also saved tons of baby shirts so that I can have them made into a quilt.  What a way to remember your babies.  Oh and I also am saving all my kids sports uniforms so that when they are older I can make a quilt for them.  Aaron says they won’t care about a quilt with their uniforms on them, but I think he’s wrong.  Is he wrong?  I would have loved that!

5.  My son recently got his passport.  I know this isn’t really a thing that I’m loving these days, but I do love his passport because it means he’s getting out of this country and getting to visit the world.  One of the things Aaron and I desire is for our kids to travel and see places around the world.  I don’t want my kids to grow up in America and have no clue about what the rest of the world is like.  My son will experience another country for the first time in a few weeks and I’m beyond excited for him.