Guest Post: SO, YOU WANT TO FOSTER? by Becca Harris

By jamieivey on May 12, 2012

 I’m out of town for a few days enjoying life in Arizona with my mom, grandma and Story!  While I’m gone I’ve asked some friends to share with you!  I love all these ladies and am honored to have them on my blog while I’m gone.  Enjoy their words and share them with your friends.  I know you’ll be blessed by all they have to say!  Leave them a comment thanking them for sharing their lives with you!

 

Before we get into the depths of my ramblings here, I would like to take a moment and give a disclaimer that I have only been fostering for 5 months, but what a 5 months it has been. I have learned lots but I certainly have not learned it all.

A few years back while I was getting my finances in order and getting licensed for foster care, I had the opportunity to personally spend some time with Dr. Karyn Purvis, author of the awesome, must read book, The Connected Child. I was excited to pick her brain and of course I was excited to tell her that I was getting licensed for foster care.  Once those words left my lips, Karyn gently turned and put her hands on my shoulders and looked me directly in the eyes.  She said, “You had better be called!” I was taken aback by her response.  I thought she of all people would be excited that I was headed down this road. She looked at me again and said, “Are you sure? You had better make sure, or you won’t make it.”

I think about this question often when people tell me they want to foster or adopt. Dr. Purvis was certainly right!! I currently have 2 foster boys, one is 11 and the other is 14.  They are half brothers and are certainly handsome! These past 5 months have been the hardest thing that I have ever gone through.  I wish I could tell you that the hard part is over and that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that we are a happy family, well adjusted and grateful for what God is doing in our lives, but that is a lie.  There are many days, many more than I care to admit, where I am done. I want to throw in the towel and call it quits. I fantasize about my life before I had the boys.  I want so badly to go back there. But then I am reminded that I love because He first loved me.  He has called me to this.

As excited as I was to do this, this is not how I pictured it all going down. So much yelling, so many objects being thrown, and I can’t tell you the amount of times I have heard, “I hate you, get out of my life.” Every child is different, every family is different – but adopting or fostering a child is hard. It is not for the faint of heart. Please make sure that you are not doing this to fill a void in your own life, because this is not about you. Parenting never is. Not just for your sake, but for the sake of the child.  The last thing they need is to fail or be given up on in another home.  My 11 year screams “Why don’t you just kick me out then?” at me all the time. He is ready for someone to bail on him because that has been the story of his life.  And trust me, there are days I want to, but I can’t because all I can picture is my Savior and how he as never left me.

So if you want to foster or adopt, especially older children (which is a huge need and a great picture of the gospel), take time to prepare and be sure.  Spend lots of time praying and seeking counsel from your community.  If you want to test the waters, babysit for a friend who has foster kids.  Do it for more than a couple of hours – try a weekend. This is super helpful to them and will start giving you an idea of what life could be like.  Also, make sure you have support built in. Get your community involved.  I could not do this without all the support I am getting (people cleaning my house, providing meals, surprising me with Sonic, watching the boys for free, etc). I am not trying to discourage you, this is a HUGE need. I just don’t want you to think that it is going to be all cute and fun – like every adoption montage I have seen.  I think there is a level of pain that not many others can empathize with so you will need help. And if you still feel God calling you and you see Him working it out for you, do it! Because as hard as it is, there is also joy in the trial and you will know and experience our God in so many new ways.

 

Becca is a 30 year old, single foster mom. She currently has 2 foster boys ages 14 and 11. She is a native Texan, but God took her to his second favorite state, Colorado for her high school years. He has since brought her back to Texas where she worked at Pine Cove Camps before coming on staff as a children’s minister at The Austin Stone. Becca is known not only for her love of theology and kiddos, but is also known to cause fun and lots of mischief along the way.

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Guest Post: OUR SON AND SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER

By jamieivey on May 11, 2012

I’m out of town for a few days enjoying life in Arizona with my mom, grandma and Story!  While I’m gone I’ve asked some friends to share with you!  I love all these ladies and am honored to have them on my blog while I’m gone.  Enjoy their words and share them with your friends.  I know you’ll be blessed by all they have to say!  Leave them a comment thanking them for sharing their lives with you!

Living In A loud World: Our son and Sensory Processing Disorder.

 

It kind of all sounded like this in the beginning:

why doesn’t he smile yet?

why isn’t he laughing yet?

why isn’t he crawling like the rest his age?

why isn’t he walking yet?

 

Then as he got older is sounded like:

cash, don’t put that in your mouth!

cash, don’t run away from me when I’m calling you, it’s not safe!

cash, don’t touch strangers!

cash, don’t lick strangers!

sorry sir, my son did not mean to bury his head in your lap…

 

Cash came into this world with a vengeance. It was a tough labor, I was not medicated, had to be transferred to the emergency room where a doctor put a big ole’ suction cup on his head to pull him out (I would find out later that a stressful labor is one cause of SPD). He was a gorgeous, sweet, snuggly baby and I was head over heals in love with this little guy. He was our first so we never thought much of his lack of smiles and giggles, until I had him around other kids his age. Our Dr. was gracious and never dropped the “Autistic” card when my concerns arised as Cash was always on the cusp of the red flags for autism. It wasn’t until he was in a local mothers day out, that I was brought into the directors office and advised to get him some extra help. He just was not on parr with other kids his age and they were concerned. So, we started seeing specialists and got him into speech and occupational therapy. He started thriving and I started seeing how very little I knew about his world. It took months to get an appointment with a Neurologist, but when we did we finally got the diagnosis’ that were the missing pieces to our puzzle.

 

 

Cash was diagnosed with:

- PDD-NOS

-  Sensory Processing Disorder

-  Hypotonia

-  Speech Dysfunction

-  Possible Auditory Dysfunction

 

That all sounds like another language, but basically what it means is, that he is on the Autistic Spectrum, he has low muscle tone and tires easily, sometimes his brain would not tell his ears to listen, his speech was delayed, and his world was too loud and overwhelming.

That is what I really want to touch on: Sensory Processing Disorder and just how confusing and frustrating it can be for us as parents. And for our kids, how loud and overwhelming this world can be.

 

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) can be defined as a practical inability to use information received through the senses so as to function smoothly and normally in everyday life. SPD is not a single specific disorder but rather an umbrella term that covers a variety of neurological disabilities.

 

Some examples of what this might look like in our kids are:

Sensory Modulation Problems: The child reacts with fight or flight to unexpected touch, intense light, getting dirty, or certain textures of food or clothing (over-responsive); the child is unaware of messy face, hands, or clothes (under-responsive); the child wallows in mud or chews on inedible substances (sensory-seeking).

Sensory Discrimination Problems: The child cannot tell where on his body he has been touched; cannot feel himself falling, especially when his eyes are closed; appears clumsy and seems unable to gauge the appropriate amount of force needed to handle pencils or toys; cannot tell the difference between distinct smells such as lemons, vinegar, and soap.

Sensory-Based Motor Problems: The child is either tense or has “loose and floppy” muscle tone; loses balance easily or “trips on air;” has difficulty using both sides of the body when jumping, clapping, swinging, or pouring water into a cup; has difficulty with manual tasks such as drawing, writing, buttoning, doing jigsaw puzzles, or using eating utensils; shows signs of low self-esteem.

 

Cash struggled with most of these things on a daily basis. When not informed on his world, I would get easily frustrated and sometimes embarrassed by his actions. One day his therapist described his disorder as this: “Noelle, pay attention for a moment to all the sounds and movements happening in this room right now. You and I are able to tune them out and focus on this conversation we are having. Cash, is unable to do that. His little brain and body tunes into everything. Every foot step, every pen writing on paper, the wind blowing, the birds chirping, the child crying down the hallway”.  It was in that moment that I began to understand that his world was loud, even screaming at him sometimes.

But, with all this, we are blessed with an abundance of knowledge and information. There is a wonderful website, www.sinetwork.org,  that is dedicated to informing people about SPD. And as parents to adoptive kids, we have Karyn Purvis, who goes into great detail about SPD and kids from hard places. Her video series on it in amazing.

On my blog TO BRING THEM HOME I have a page where I list every resource, sensory toy and therapies we use in our life for Cash and why, including all the iPad apps we have and what they are good for as it relates to Special Needs.

 

Cash is doing amazing. He was diagnosed right before he turned three and shortly after he started therapy he spoke his first audible sentence! He is now 6 and in an amazing school for children with learning and speech delays. He is excelling, making friends, learning how to read, write and is in an environment where he is fully understood and loved.

 

We are our kids only advocates and I believe that God asks us to fight for them, break down barriers if we have to. He knitted them perfectly together in the womb. I know sometimes as parents it might be hard to see that, but His purpose for them is greater than we can ever imagine.

 

 

Noelle Otts lives in Austin Tx with her husband Brad and their 2 kids Cash (6) and Maddie-Rose (3).  They are currently in the process of bringing home their 7-year-old son from Ethiopia.  Noelle blogs about her life and their current adoption wait at her blog TO BRING THEM HOME.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Adoption Books to read to your kids.

By jamieivey on April 27, 2012

I have read some great books on adoption and have many more bookmarked to read that I thought I’d share some with you.  About two years ago I posted some adoption books that had been recommended by an adoption agency.  I still haven’t read all of them, but they are all still on my list!

 

Someone recently asked me for books that they have read with their kids and so I just went to the bookshelves and pulled out some books that we have laying around for our kids.

These are books that I read with the boys when they were younger, and a lot with Amos and Story when they first came home, but I think would still work for anyone bringing home an older child into their home.

 

A BLESSING FROM ABOVE - it’s kinda weird how this kangaroo ends up being the mommy to the cute little bluebird, but I like how the book shows how a mommy and her baby don’t have to look alike.  That’s something I’ve cherished in books that I’ve read to my kids.

 

A MOTHER FOR CHOCO by Keiko Kasza – Probably my favorite book to read to my kids about adoption.  I used to cry each time I got to the part where Mrs. Bear brings Choco back to her home to meet her other kids and none of them are bears.  They are all different animals and Choco fits right in the family!

 

MY FAMILY IS FOREVER by Nancy Carlson – Cute book about how a little girl sees all the differences between her parents and her, but knows that it’s okay because her family is forever.  Cute.

 

Three new books that I’ve added to my book collection since I wrote that post 2 years ago are BECOMING A FAMILY: PROMOTING HEALTHY ATTACHMENTS WITH YOUR ADOPTED CHILD, ADOPTED FOR LIFE, and BROWN BABIES, PINK PARENTS.

 

If you have any other kid books to recommend I’d love to see them, especially if they are for older elementary aged kids.  That’s what I would like to find these days!

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I am AMOS.

By jamieivey on April 11, 2012

Recently I went away for about 28 hours and spent time praying, reading the bible, reading magazines, resting my body, resting my brain and doing just about nothing.  It was AH-MAZING.  So wonderful for me and seemed to come at a perfect time for me as a mom.

 

Although I love to talk about adoption on here, there are obviously some things that don’t get shared because let’s be honest, one day all my kids will read this and I for sure don’t want them thinking all I did was talk bad about them on here!  There’s such a thin line between sharing your life to help and encourage others and sharing too much about your life and kids when they don’t have a say in what you write.  You see my conflict here.

 

Anyhow, lately Amos’ behavior has gotten so much better in some areas, but so much worse in others.  I would say he’s more compliant most of the time, but when he’s not he is blatantly disobedient.  Not caring what you think, not caring if he’s in trouble.  Just plain not caring.  This drives me insane.  I literally want to scream at him DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?  I WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR YOU.  I WOULD JUMP IN FRONT OF A CAR FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH!

 

As I sat at the pool reading and praying I started to think about the relationship that Amos and I have and how that compares to the relationship that I have with my heavenly Father.  You see, we’re alike in more ways than I want to believe, Amos & I.  We both have parents that love us deeply.  God loves me so much that I’m certain there are times he wants to scream at me I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!  I SENT MY SON FOR YOU.  I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU.  I AM HERE FOR YOU.  I’m sure during those times I’m non-responsive and mad at the world.  I’m sure during those times I would rather be alone than with people that truly love me, and I’m pretty certain that during those times I’m having a hard time figuring out why God loves me when I’ve screwed up so much.

 

You see, Amos has a hard time realizing how much I love him.  I can scream it at him all day long, and before you email me, no I don’t literally scream this at him, although I really want to some days, but sometimes he just can’t truly “hear” me.  I’m sure he hears my voice, like the teacher on Charlie Brown, but does he truly hear my words, I’m just not sure.

 

Amos loves me when things are well, but when things aren’t going his way, he’s not too loving.  Amos loves me when the plans go as he thinks they are supposed to go, but when things get sidetracked, or don’t happen, or go a different way, then he is not happy and can’t control his emotions.   Amos can love well, on his own terms, but not on mine.

 

I was laying there by the pool when the tears started coming.

 

I am Amos.

 

I treat God this way.  When things are good, I’m happy and love God abundantly.  When things are bad, I’m weary and think God has left me.  When plans are as I planned, then I think God’s on my side.  When plans don’t go like I planned I think God is not for me, but against me.

 

I also realized that I sometimes don’t treat Amos like God treats me during these times.  God has never left me.  He’s never forsaken me.  He’s never thought I was a lost cause.  He’s never told me I had my limit of doubt and he was done with me.  He’s never not been able to take my doubt or insecurities.  He’s just keeps lavishing love on me.  He keeps whispering his promises in my heart.  He keeps leading my paths.  He keeps … He keeps … He keeps.

 

God keeps loving.

 

Of course I’ve never abandoned Amos or told him he was at his limit of doubt, but let’s be honest, my sinful heart makes it hard to continue to love and love someone that doesn’t always reciprocate that love back to you.  There are days that my heart is weary for him.  There are days that my soul feels too heavy to intercede for him.  There are days that my ability to take another dirty look is low.  I’m human.

 

BUT oh how my heart was reminded of how I’m to treat my son as I lay by that pool and relished in the love that my Father has for me.  He never left me, but yet he pursued me.  He has taken my harsh words, looks and thoughts and continues to pour out his love and grace and mercy on me.   I was challenged that day to view my son as the Father views me.  I was challenged that day to see Amos through a different lens.  Yes he may try to hurt me with his words or his looks, but he is my son and I will fight for him.  I will defend him.  I will love him. I will hold him.  I will serve him. I will show grace to him.

 

I’m so wonderfully honored to be Amos’ mommy and I love this kid so much.  I’m grateful that God chose me out of all the women in the world to raise him, and love him.  I’m honored.  I know that God has big plans for this kid and I believe that our God is truly the only one that can change Amos’ heart. I believe that God will rock his world and he’s gonna be a world changer.  I pray that he will rise up and be a man that loves God and changes his home country of Haiti.  That’s my prayer for my sweet Amos.  God is big like that.  He can do it, you know?!

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Top 25 adoption blogs by mom – will you vote for me?

By jamieivey on April 9, 2012

The other day I received a fun email about my blog!  Apparently someone nominated me for this contest and now I need you readers to go and vote for me!

Hi Jamie,

Your blog Dreaming Big Dreams has been nominated to the Top 25 Adoptive and Foster Moms – 2012 list on Circle of Moms!

Our Top 25 honors the great Mom Bloggers. It will be featured in our editorial section, the RoundUp, and promoted through our social media channels, a great opportunity to meet new readers through our audience of 6 million moms.

 

Don’t forget to let your Twitter followers and Facebook fans know they can vote for you once a day until April 26, 2012.

We’re a big fan of your blog and would love to get your work in front of more readers. Please let me know if you have any questions.

Warmly,
Julie and the Circle of Moms team

 

I’ve read most of these blogs and let me tell you they are good.  Somehow I made it in and I’m completely honored and humbled.  There are so many moms out there that blog about adoption and foster care and to all of them I’m thankful!  They were life savers for me during out wait and I truly believe because of the honesty of moms online I was more prepared for my children coming home than any training I could have taken at an adoption agency.  Moms helping moms is an amazing thing.

 

If you are waiting for your adoption to be finalized, thinking about adoption or foster care, or just brought your kids home these blogs are precious.  Moms tell it like it is and know that we’re all in this together!

 

So, I’m asking two things from you …. #1 would you go and vote for me?  You can click HERE and it should take you to the page to vote.  If that doesn’t work, let me know.  You can vote once a day until the contest is over!  #2 if you are in the process, or thinking about adoption check out these blogs.  These people were nominated for a reason.  They write the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

Happy voting and blog reading!

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My journey to Motherhood & how I used to think “LIFE ISN’T FAIR”

By jamieivey on March 7, 2012

I remember when I was growing up how I would complain about how life just wasn’t that fair.

I would utter those words to my mom and every single time she would say back to me, “life’s not fair”, and I hated her response to my feelings of life cheating me out of something.

 

In fact I am sure I swore that when I was a mom, I would never utter those awful words to my sweet children.

 

It’s funny because when you grow up you realize that those feelings of “life isn’t fair” still exist in your head.  You look around to other friends and feel pangs of jealousy or envy when life seems to be treating them so well and you feel as though you got the raw end of the deal.  You look at your friends getting married to great guys and you somehow keep attracting the most loser boyfriends around.   That seems unfair.  You look at your friends having one baby after another and your body isn’t cooperating with your desires and that seems unfair.  Your friend that started the adoption process after you and already had her kid home as you continue to wait, that seems unfair.  Your friend whose husband has a fabulous job and she doesn’t even have to work and you and your man are busting your tails to make ends meet, that seems unfair.

 

I have sometimes found myself thinking that parts of my journey to motherhood just weren’t that fair.  As if I for some reason, I felt like I deserved more.  Like I was entitled to the good and easy life.  My road to motherhood hasn’t looked liked the movies, and I used to think that wasn’t fair.

 

I’m utterly embarrassed and ashamed when I say this, but I wasn’t happy when we found out I was pregnant with our first child.  It wasn’t in our plans.  Our plans were very different and me getting pregnant 2 months after we moved to a new place so my husband could pursue a dream and I could work to support us wasn’t in our plans.

 

I felt like this wasn’t fair.  I am working to support my husband.  We were following God and following a dream and his plan is not what we thought was best.

 

When we journeyed to our second son it was through domestic adoption and the wait was awful.  Hoping and praying for a birth mom to choose you to be the parents to her child for the rest of your life is a hard thing to yearn for.  On one hand you are yearning for a baby, which means that a mom is making the hardest choice of her life, but on the other hand you want what’s best for that baby, and if that means staying with mom forever then oh how you pray it happens, or if that means this child becoming your child then that’s what you pray happens.  In the moment, life seems unfair.  Not unfair to me, but unfair to a child that has no choice in the matter, and unfair to a woman who has to make a decision that changes her life forever.

 

Our next two children joined our family through international adoption and if up until this point in my life I thought I was being treated unfairly, this was the icing on the cake.  When we learned about our children in Haiti, Amos was 2 years & 3 months and our daughter, Story, was literally days old.  We were in love.  They needed parents and we were confident that God had led us to them and we were going to be their family.

 

We began the grueling paper work and finally our papers were in Haiti and we began to wait and wait and wait.  My husband or I would visit them every few months for the next 2.5 years as we waited.  Those trips were life altering.  I’m still not recovered from the emotions those trips developed in me.

 

I can’t explain to you what it’s like as a mom to leave your children at home and visit your other children in another country 3 times a year and have to leave them every single time.  You love them deeply.  You yearn for them to be home with you and your husband and your other kids.  You literally ache for their bodies in your arms when you are not there.  It is a crippling experience that I hated and many times found myself asking God “why me?”.  Why us?  We love you.  We serve you.  Why are my kids not home?

 

THIS IS NOT FAIR.

 

I realize now that in my finite little mind things seem unfair, but in the big scheme of life they are part of a bigger plan by God.  Each of my “life’s-not-fair” moments in life have been hard for sure, and at the time seemed unbearable, but in the end life goes on and God brings good from each of those things.

 

I believe that just when we start to feel as though this just isn’t fair, God has a lesson, or a reason behind what’s happening.  I may never know why my kids had to wait for 2.5 years to come home, but I am learning little by little to truly believe in God’s ways and trust his ways over mine.  That is hard, but in the same way it feels very comforting to know that he’s in everything.  Nothing is new for him or surprises him.

 

The other day after my kids were going on and on about “this isn’t fair” or “that’s not fair”, I thought I would turn the tables on them.  I thought I would prove to them how awful they sounded and see if it got them to think about how silly they sound to be saying something’s not fair, when in fact they have a very nice life.

 

Of course I lied to them.  How else is a mom supposed to prove her point?!?!?

 

I told them that I had a “friend” and she told me that her kids never argue or talk back.  I went on and on about this and then I went into the whining of “life’s not fair” I wish my kids never argued or talked back.  They all looked at me as if I had just said I wished I had her kids and not my kids.

 

LIFE IS JUST NOT FAIR

 

They moved on and I figured I had just done a lousy job of parenting and probably screwed them up even worse.  I forgot about my analogy until the next day when my oldest came to me and we had this conversation.

 

He said, “Mom you remember how you said it wasn’t fair that your friends kids never argue.”

 

“Yes I remember”

 

He then said, “well what if her kids aren’t as cute as us, or what if her kids don’t rub her head when she reads books to them, or what if her kids don’t like to snuggle with her … do you still think it’s not fair?”

 

Oh my gosh I stopped in my tracks.  He was right.  There was good in the situation.  He took what I was telling him very literally and thought I was really upset that my kids weren’t as good as hers (I know I probably screwed them up for life, although I’m pretty certain that has already happened) and he was bound and determined to find things that they did that her kids didn’t.  He listed some of our favorite things to do together.  We love to read books together, and they always comb my hair while I read (you know you do this too!) and we snuggle in bed together, or while watching a movie.

 

You see life wasn’t unfair to me all those years when I was feeling as though it was.  It was just my journey.  It was my story.  I was given that story for a reason, and I’m proud of the pain and suffering and sorrow that I went through to get to my kids.  They are worth every single time I wrongly thought, “life isn’t fair” because I’m so glad for the person I am today because of my journey to motherhood.  God never left me or abandoned me, he was there all along even in my moments of thinking “life isn’t fair”.


This post was also linked at WRITE IT, GIRL

 

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Whatever may pass … Let me be singing … Bless the LORD

By jamieivey on February 22, 2012

Waiting rooms allow you to read.  Deacon watched 2 hours of the disney channel and I read my bible and a book called WEDNESDAYS WERE PRETTY NORMAL by Michael Kelley today as we waited for his surgery to begin.  Two hours we waited.  At the time I was completely annoyed with the wait, but those feelings faded quickly as the doctor talked to me after the surgery.

We knew going in to this surgery that he was going in just for a look.  If he saw something he would remove it, but if he saw nothing, then he would do nothing!  We have prayed for there to be NO BUMPS, and for the doctor to have nothing to do.  I’m gonna be honest here for just a second …. I struggle big time with something.  I struggle with the fear of asking God for something.  Like asking him to heal Deacon.  YES I want that more than anything else in the world, but I also know that God is in charge and has a plan laid out.  So, sometimes I feel as though my asking is silly, or a waste of my time and his time.  Yet there are the verses that tell me to ask and I still struggle with it.  (John 16:24, John 15:16) I think it’s my faith that’s supposed to be increased.  Most days I feel like the father in Mark 9 that screams out “I believe; help my unbelief!”  That’s my cry.

 

Anyhow, that’s not the point of this post, just something I’m struggling with on the side.  Today as we were waiting for Deacon to go back he drew a picture for his doctor just like he does each time.  This one is super sweet.  It’s Deacon & his doctor jumping on the trampoline.  You see the doctor with his light on his head and Deacon’s big afro curls!

 

 

Today as I was sitting in the room waiting on Deacon I was drawn back to the thought of “why Deacon?”.  Why my child?  Why our lives in hospital rooms?  Why has my son had seven surgeries in the past 2 years?  Why?  Why?  Why?

 

It was at that point that I recalled what I had read in this book just two days earlier.  Michael’s book is about his son being diagnosed with cancer at age 2 and their journey through those days.   So far I have resonated with his words and thoughts on so many levels and I have never had a child with cancer.  I have waited for over 2 years for my child to come home, and I do have a child with a disease that may or may not come back.  I have thought of friends that are struggling and have struggled.  My friends that are in the midst of an adoption and are struggling to get through the hoops that they must jump through to get their paperwork moving.  That leads me to say, “why God?  Why can’t this boy come home?”.

 

I want to quote a few things from this book I’m reading.  I pray that they will minister to you the way they have ministered to me today.

“If we really want to start down the road of asking “why”, let’s not sell ourselves short of following it all the way to the end.  At the end there’s God.  He’s the one in control.  He’s the only being in the universe that is sovereign.  He’s the beginning and the end of all things, including our laments.”

 

I do believe this with all my heart.  I believe that God’s in control.  I believe that he has a plan.  I believe that he makes things happen to bring glory to himself.  I can write all that so easily, but it’s when I’m in the waiting room waiting on results from my sons surgery that these moments are harder to say that I truly believe.

 

 

“it’s a journey of trying to embrace the fact that god is our refuge but not a comfortable one to hold on to.  It’s a journey of realizing that He is our safe place, and yet He is not safe at all.  It’s a journey of realizing more and more of what it means to walk deeply with God and all the doubt, fear, anxiety, peace, and joy that come with it and how those things can possibly coexist together. “

 

My favorite line in that last quote is  …. “realizing more and more what it means to walk deeply with God AND all the doubt, fear, anxiety, peace, and joy that come with it and how those things can possibly coexist together.”  Oh my eyes are full of tears after reading that.  I want to live in the midst of ALL of those things and know that they can coexist together because of the hand of God in my life.

 

Today as I read about the journey that the Kelley family was on with their child and chemotherapy I was broken for the fact that sometimes I forget that God is in all of this.  He is in Deacon’s disease.  He was in Amos’ long wait to come home.  He is in the Stewart’s journey to their son.  He is in it all.  I may go my whole life and never understand why God planned for our kids to wait in Haiti for 2.5 years while we yearned for them, but I do know this (and believe this) he knows what is right, does what is right, and will do all things to bring him glory.  I’m choosing to rest in this tonight.

 

As I sat there in the room waiting for word from the doctor I kept asking myself how I would feel if he came in and told me that he had indeed removed some bumps and we were going to do another surgery in 2 months.  That would have been completely normal.  I also wondered what I would feel if he came in and told me that there were no bumps and we were clear.  We were free of this (for now) awful disease that is so unpredictable.

 

I wondered if I would give God the same praise and glory no matter what the doctor said.  I said I would.  I hope that is true.

 

The doctor came in with a huge smile on his face and told me that he had found NOTHING.  Not one bump in his throat.  NOTHING.  God had healed him.  The doctor hugged me and I thanked him and praised God for this amazing miracle.

 

I immediately began the ugly cry and the nurse literally tried to remind me that this was good news.  I shook my head and snot poured out of my nose and somehow muttered that I knew it was good and I was so happy and thankful that he found nothing.  I called Aaron and I’m certain that at first Aaron thought it was bad news because I couldn’t talk through the tears.  It was a joy to tell him that they found nothing.  There were no bumps!

 

Tonight as I go to bed I’m so very thankful for this reality.  We have no need to see the doctor unless symptoms arise.  Of course I’ll always wonder if his voice is different or if he’s having trouble breathing, but tonight I’m resting in the reality that the doctor sees no reason to see him any time soon!  My baby is free of bumps!  I’m also praying tonight and giving God the glory for this and I’ve actually said many times, no matter what the outcome would have been I would have still praised God.

 

The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes


Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I’ll worship Your holy name

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Day #1 of Empowered to Connect Conference

By jamieivey on February 17, 2012

I spent all day today at the EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE that is put on by SHOW HOPE, and my brain is fried.  Literally friend, it’s fried and done working.   We got to hear from Dr. Karen Purvis a lot today and I swear to you I want to kidnap this woman and hold her hostage in my home for a month, or a year actually.  I want her to dissect all my awful parenting skills and present me with new ones in a nice package all wrapped with a great bow! I devour every word out of this woman’s mouth.  Doesn’t that sound reasonable.  Surely she would understand my desire to kidnap her and make her tell me all the secrets to parenting well.

 

On a serious note, because kidnapping Karen Purvis to make her help me parent is clearly not serious, nor a good idea, I have gained so much insight today.  As I said my brain hurts, but y’all my heart hurts too.  I feel sad and defeated.  I feel lonely and afraid.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel as though this is too hard, and I’m not cut out for this.

 

While Brad, Noelle and I rode back to our house we’re staying in we all talked about all the ways we suck at parenting.  Everything we’re doing wrong.  All the times we’ve screwed up.  So many ways we’ve failed our kids.

 

I then said that we can’t live in this world of beating ourselves up.  It’s not healthy.  We need to live in the grace God gives us.  Accept his rebuke and forgiveness and move on.  Try to be better and do the right thing, and when you do praise yourself and when you don’t be gracious with yourself.

 

I’m preaching this to myself, because instead of listening today and nodding my head in agreement with the things we are doing right and the things we have done that are benefiting my child (because thankfully there was some stuff I’m doing right), I only remember the tears that came as I realized things we’re doing are not good, and could be harming our child’s growth in trust and security with us.  It’s easy to forget the way we do provide a secure environment and loving words and touch to our child and only think about the times we’ve selfishly chosen our own will over being a parent that’s emotionally connected to their child.

 

You see, I’m preaching to myself.

 

I have so much to unpack from today.  Right now, I’m alone in my room and missing my kids like crazy.  Normally I would love to be away from them and have peace and quiet, but after today I only wanted to touch their faces, hold their hands, snuggle with them and look in their eyes and connect emotionally with them.  I desired my kids so much when the last speaker was done and we were through. I physically ached to hold them.

 

But tonight I can’t.

 

Although … thanks to Apple I did get to see their faces and give them telephone kisses.

 

Tomorrow is another day at the conference and I honestly don’t know how much more my brain and heart can take.  I’m ready to learn and be reminded of what things work best with parenting children who come to us hurt and from hard places.  I desire so badly to be the best mom possible I can to all four of my precious babies.  I’m begging God to mold me and change me into a mom that is there for my kids not just with physical presence, but also and probably more importantly with emotional connection.

 

I have so much to share from this conference.  I’ll leave you with this.  I will find a way to say “YES” more than I say “no”.  I will find more ways to give my kids a voice, even if it means compromise.  I will not view compromise as a win for the kid and a loss for parent.  I will view it as a voice.  Every kid deserves a voice.  I will take my own sinful patterns and ask Jesus to stomp them out and help me walk through my past and see how I can change patterns and behaviors in my life to help me be a better parent.

 

Oh there’s so much more to talk about …. until then I need a glass of wine and a mindless tv show.  My brain is fried.

 

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My need for control isn’t working.

By jamieivey on February 15, 2012

Idols.

We all have them.

I hate mine.
But oh how I love mine.
Wait? I really do hate mine.
But sometimes I act like I truly love mine.

That’s the problem. They are constantly pulling on me, and I’m constantly trying to lose them.

Recently our pastor, Matt Carter, has been speaking on idols. How we have things in our life that take the place of our God. In one sermon he listed out four ways we could identify our idols. I was pretty certain I would struggle with one, maybe two on a really bad day. After he listed them I’m pretty sure I’m batting 1,000. 4 for 4 people. That’s how screwed up I am!

Comfort.
Power.
Control.
Approval.

Watch this video when you have 42 mintues. You won’t regret it. Or download the podcast so you can listen while you are stuck in traffic.

Counterfeit Love: Idols Identified from The Austin Stone on Vimeo.

This morning my control idol raged and took down one of my kids with it. I like to be in control of things. When my kids are obeying I feel in control. When my kids are doing just as I ask I feel in control. I like control.

I hate feeling out of control.

That’s maybe why God has so graciously allowed me to be the mommy to a very fabulous 6 year old boy who came home to us hurting and needing power and control as well. He pushes my control button and I think I push his. We are a great match.

Let me say this one thing and then I’m back to this morning … I didn’t get up before my kids. They woke me up. This morning was chaotic. I’m fully convinced this morning would have looked completely different had I been disciplined in the act of waking up “for” my kids and not “to” my kids. Okay. I screwed up. I know this. I’m basking in God’s grace to me today. New mercies every morning!

I won’t tell you what brought out the actions in Amos, but I asked him to do something (not out of the ordinary, he has to do this a lot – part of morning routine!) and he was pissed and not having it. Stomped his feet. Folded his arms. Rolled his eyes. Refused.

Oh can you feel my control idol raging. I do not like feeling out of control. When a kid acts this way I feel as all control is gone. Gone. I’m losing. I must win.

Fast forward 30 minutes and I won alright, but there were many tears, and one kid very late to school. I won. I didn’t care about his heart. I won.

Amos got off to school and all was fine. We were happy with each other and the drama was over. I had won. At least I thought I had won. My winning came at the expense of Amos, and him not getting a heart lesson, and only a “YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, OR ELSE” lesson. Yuck. Yes my control idol flared. I needed to feel in control. I accomplished feeling that control at the expense of not parenting my child’s heart and only demanding the appropriate actions.

I actually lost.

Unfortunately so did Amos.

0-0 for both of us. No one wins.

So … I called Aaron and my girlfriend and talked it through. I need control. The thing is I also need to parent my child correctly. I truly want that too. I need to view having control of my child differently. I need to not feel out of control when a child doesn’t obey, because aren’t we here to help them when they make bad choices? Aren’t we here to help their hearts learn to trust and love? Aren’t we here to help them learn to obey out of the over-flow of their heart and not just so mom doesn’t yell?

I missed it this morning.

After I talked it through I told Aaron, that I was choosing to accept God’s grace. Admitting that I screwed up and that I should have handled it differently, and I wouldn’t walk around defeated today. I would ask God to clearly help me when this raging need for control rises in me. I would ask God to help me parent my child out of love and through the love of Christ and not my need to look good with “perfect” children.

Parenting a child that has entered your home via adoption is a bit different. God is molding me each day through this. Next time this happens, probably today at some point, I’m going to realize that my need for control can not be bigger than my desire to love my kids with all I have and parent them well. That’s my true desire. That’s what I want.

Oh Lord help us parents to parent well. Help us to show grace as you show grace to us. Help us to love as you have loved us. Help us to guide as you guide us. Help us lay down ourselves for those around us. Help us lean into you when our need for control rises up in us. Help us to trust in your plan and your goodness and your faithfulness.

Gosh I love my kids.

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Last minute Valentine’s

By jamieivey on February 12, 2012

If you are a mom like me, you are still trying to figure out Valentine’s for all your kids. If you are like my friend Amy you have them all printed out and they will be the cutest Valentine’s in the class. I have no desire to be like Amy in this area. If Amy lived here I would pay her to do this for me. Actually I’d have her come over, give her free wine and she could do all my kids Valentine’s while we watched Survivor. Then I could still have cute Valentine’s and everyone would think I was super crafty mom, but it would be an act! Amy would be behind it all.

Here’s what she’s sending to school from her son. Seriously so cute.

Yes I’m jealous. I mean it’s one thing to pin this on pintrest and act like you are going to do it one day, and it’s another thing to actually do it. Yes she does it. Every year. Me, not so much.

 

But if you are in my boat, no fear I have a solution for you. I did this last year and was so happy to see that the Fox family is once again offering Valentine’s to raise money for their adoption. This is a win for everyone. They win with raising money and I win with not giving any money to “the man” and still don’t have to be crafty.

This year the Fox family is actually in Columbia right now with their baby girl!  They have been there for 3 weeks and could be there as much as 8 weeks total.  Oh good gracious send a prayer up for them now.  I encourage you to go and check out their blog.  Great story, great pictures, and some super cute Valentine’s!

I’ll be printing these out again this year probably on Monday at midnight and then will rush the kids over breakfast on Tuesday to get them done. That’s just how I roll.  I’m already taking deep breaths for the stress that will incur.

 

 

You can thank me on Monday night while you print these out and frantically scribble your kids name on there to make it look like they truly wrote it.

 

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