I spent all day today at the EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE that is put on by SHOW HOPE, and my brain is fried.  Literally friend, it’s fried and done working.   We got to hear from Dr. Karen Purvis a lot today and I swear to you I want to kidnap this woman and hold her hostage in my home for a month, or a year actually.  I want her to dissect all my awful parenting skills and present me with new ones in a nice package all wrapped with a great bow! I devour every word out of this woman’s mouth.  Doesn’t that sound reasonable.  Surely she would understand my desire to kidnap her and make her tell me all the secrets to parenting well.

On a serious note, because kidnapping Karen Purvis to make her help me parent is clearly not serious, nor a good idea, I have gained so much insight today.  As I said my brain hurts, but y’all my heart hurts too.  I feel sad and defeated.  I feel lonely and afraid.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel as though this is too hard, and I’m not cut out for this.

While Brad, Noelle and I rode back to our house we’re staying in we all talked about all the ways we suck at parenting.  Everything we’re doing wrong.  All the times we’ve screwed up.  So many ways we’ve failed our kids.

I then said that we can’t live in this world of beating ourselves up.  It’s not healthy.  We need to live in the grace God gives us.  Accept his rebuke and forgiveness and move on.  Try to be better and do the right thing, and when you do praise yourself and when you don’t be gracious with yourself.

I’m preaching this to myself, because instead of listening today and nodding my head in agreement with the things we are doing right and the things we have done that are benefiting my child (because thankfully there was some stuff I’m doing right), I only remember the tears that came as I realized things we’re doing are not good, and could be harming our child’s growth in trust and security with us.  It’s easy to forget the way we do provide a secure environment and loving words and touch to our child and only think about the times we’ve selfishly chosen our own will over being a parent that’s emotionally connected to their child.

You see, I’m preaching to myself.

I have so much to unpack from today.  Right now, I’m alone in my room and missing my kids like crazy.  Normally I would love to be away from them and have peace and quiet, but after today I only wanted to touch their faces, hold their hands, snuggle with them and look in their eyes and connect emotionally with them.  I desired my kids so much when the last speaker was done and we were through. I physically ached to hold them.

But tonight I can’t.

Although … thanks to Apple I did get to see their faces and give them telephone kisses.

Tomorrow is another day at the conference and I honestly don’t know how much more my brain and heart can take.  I’m ready to learn and be reminded of what things work best with parenting children who come to us hurt and from hard places.  I desire so badly to be the best mom possible I can to all four of my precious babies.  I’m begging God to mold me and change me into a mom that is there for my kids not just with physical presence, but also and probably more importantly with emotional connection.

I have so much to share from this conference.  I’ll leave you with this.  I will find a way to say “YES” more than I say “no”.  I will find more ways to give my kids a voice, even if it means compromise.  I will not view compromise as a win for the kid and a loss for parent.  I will view it as a voice.  Every kid deserves a voice.  I will take my own sinful patterns and ask Jesus to stomp them out and help me walk through my past and see how I can change patterns and behaviors in my life to help me be a better parent.

Oh there’s so much more to talk about …. until then I need a glass of wine and a mindless tv show.  My brain is fried.

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About half way through last semester Amos started wanting a new backpack and complaining about the one that he had.  I told him that he didn’t need a new backpack because his wasn’t even a year old and it was in perfect condition.  That’s what we do here at the Ivey house, we wear it/use it until it doesn’t work anymore.  Frugal people.  There are four children here.

After a few more complaints I finally asked him why he wanted a new backpack.  It was bothering me how much he was bringing it up.  I was thinking he was ungrateful or didn’t clearly understand that his backpack worked perfectly fine.  Cayden has had his backpack since before kindergarten and he’s in second grade.  Works fine, so we’re still using it.  That’s how I roll.

He told me he wanted a backpack with someone on it.  I was confused, so I asked more questions.    He told me all the kids had Spider Man, or Bumblebee, or Transformers ….. SOMEONE on their backpack and his was plain grey with NO ONE on it.

OH … he wanted what all his friends had.

So, then my speech changed from we have something that’s perfectly good, to the speech about not wanting what others had.  You know the one.  We need to be grateful for what we have … blah blah blah blah.  You’ve given it, you know you have.

Fast forward a few weeks, and he is still talking about it.  In fact some days he’s quite sad about it.  I stuck to my guns.  Your backpack works fine.  It’s new.  It’s in great shape.  Who cares what others have.  It doesn’t matter.

A few days before Christmas I was searching for the perfect gift for Amos and literally all I could think about was him talking about wanting SOMEONE on his backpack.  As much as I tried to tell him it didn’t matter if his was different, to him it did matter.

Being different REALLY matters to Amos.  We have seen this play out at other times in his life,  but more than any other kid in our family, it matters to him.  Amos wants to be accepted.  Amos wants to be “normal”.  He wants to be like everyone else.  I admit that I struggle with this sometimes too, but for Amos it’s more than just normal issues of wanting to be accepted.  He truly desires to be included.  Not to be left out or forgotten.  In his eyes his backpack set him apart from the other kids in his class.  He was the different one.

You see, I’m convinced that the four and a half years he lived as an orphan changed him.  There is a huge void in his heart and the longings to be wanted, accepted and a part of something are constantly nagging at him.  Even having a backpack that’s different is really hard for him.  Plain grey just doesn’t make him like the other kids.  In his sweet little six year old mind only Transformers can connect him to his friends.

Aaron and I can love him and accept him and nurture him all day long, and that hole is still there.  It’s big.  Some days it seems much bigger than other days.  I am 100% convinced that there is only one person that can truly fill this hole in Amos’ heart, and that is Jesus.  I am confident that Jesus can do it, and I’m praying heavily that he will do it sooner than later.  When Amos sees the love that his FATHER in heaven has for him, this hole can be filled.  When Amos sees the acceptance that we have from God and the family that we belong to with him, this hole can be filled.

Jesus loves Amos dearly and desires the best for him.  My prayer is that not only will Amos see this one day, but that Aaron and I will remember daily that our God designed Amos perfectly and put him in our family for a reason and that he has great big plans for our sweet boy.  God is way bigger than any hole in my sons heart.  He is way bigger than abandonment and feelings of not belonging.  We have a big, big, big God that will not leave us where we are.

So, as I was walking around looking for that perfect gift for Amos I ran across a backpack at Wal Mart that was $10 and will for sure fall apart in about 6 months, but it had Transformers on it and I just knew that Amos would freak if I got it for him.  On Christmas morning, this was the one gift I was looking forward to being opened.  I couldn’t wait for Amos to see his new backpack with Transformers on it.  I didn’t care one bit that his old backpack was in perfect condition, my son wanted Transformers to feel more accepted and so that’s what his momma and daddy got him!

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