I am AMOS.

By jamieivey on April 11, 2012

Recently I went away for about 28 hours and spent time praying, reading the bible, reading magazines, resting my body, resting my brain and doing just about nothing.  It was AH-MAZING.  So wonderful for me and seemed to come at a perfect time for me as a mom.

 

Although I love to talk about adoption on here, there are obviously some things that don’t get shared because let’s be honest, one day all my kids will read this and I for sure don’t want them thinking all I did was talk bad about them on here!  There’s such a thin line between sharing your life to help and encourage others and sharing too much about your life and kids when they don’t have a say in what you write.  You see my conflict here.

 

Anyhow, lately Amos’ behavior has gotten so much better in some areas, but so much worse in others.  I would say he’s more compliant most of the time, but when he’s not he is blatantly disobedient.  Not caring what you think, not caring if he’s in trouble.  Just plain not caring.  This drives me insane.  I literally want to scream at him DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?  I WOULD WALK THROUGH FIRE FOR YOU.  I WOULD JUMP IN FRONT OF A CAR FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH!

 

As I sat at the pool reading and praying I started to think about the relationship that Amos and I have and how that compares to the relationship that I have with my heavenly Father.  You see, we’re alike in more ways than I want to believe, Amos & I.  We both have parents that love us deeply.  God loves me so much that I’m certain there are times he wants to scream at me I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!  I SENT MY SON FOR YOU.  I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU.  I AM HERE FOR YOU.  I’m sure during those times I’m non-responsive and mad at the world.  I’m sure during those times I would rather be alone than with people that truly love me, and I’m pretty certain that during those times I’m having a hard time figuring out why God loves me when I’ve screwed up so much.

 

You see, Amos has a hard time realizing how much I love him.  I can scream it at him all day long, and before you email me, no I don’t literally scream this at him, although I really want to some days, but sometimes he just can’t truly “hear” me.  I’m sure he hears my voice, like the teacher on Charlie Brown, but does he truly hear my words, I’m just not sure.

 

Amos loves me when things are well, but when things aren’t going his way, he’s not too loving.  Amos loves me when the plans go as he thinks they are supposed to go, but when things get sidetracked, or don’t happen, or go a different way, then he is not happy and can’t control his emotions.   Amos can love well, on his own terms, but not on mine.

 

I was laying there by the pool when the tears started coming.

 

I am Amos.

 

I treat God this way.  When things are good, I’m happy and love God abundantly.  When things are bad, I’m weary and think God has left me.  When plans are as I planned, then I think God’s on my side.  When plans don’t go like I planned I think God is not for me, but against me.

 

I also realized that I sometimes don’t treat Amos like God treats me during these times.  God has never left me.  He’s never forsaken me.  He’s never thought I was a lost cause.  He’s never told me I had my limit of doubt and he was done with me.  He’s never not been able to take my doubt or insecurities.  He’s just keeps lavishing love on me.  He keeps whispering his promises in my heart.  He keeps leading my paths.  He keeps … He keeps … He keeps.

 

God keeps loving.

 

Of course I’ve never abandoned Amos or told him he was at his limit of doubt, but let’s be honest, my sinful heart makes it hard to continue to love and love someone that doesn’t always reciprocate that love back to you.  There are days that my heart is weary for him.  There are days that my soul feels too heavy to intercede for him.  There are days that my ability to take another dirty look is low.  I’m human.

 

BUT oh how my heart was reminded of how I’m to treat my son as I lay by that pool and relished in the love that my Father has for me.  He never left me, but yet he pursued me.  He has taken my harsh words, looks and thoughts and continues to pour out his love and grace and mercy on me.   I was challenged that day to view my son as the Father views me.  I was challenged that day to see Amos through a different lens.  Yes he may try to hurt me with his words or his looks, but he is my son and I will fight for him.  I will defend him.  I will love him. I will hold him.  I will serve him. I will show grace to him.

 

I’m so wonderfully honored to be Amos’ mommy and I love this kid so much.  I’m grateful that God chose me out of all the women in the world to raise him, and love him.  I’m honored.  I know that God has big plans for this kid and I believe that our God is truly the only one that can change Amos’ heart. I believe that God will rock his world and he’s gonna be a world changer.  I pray that he will rise up and be a man that loves God and changes his home country of Haiti.  That’s my prayer for my sweet Amos.  God is big like that.  He can do it, you know?!

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Keeping Easter about Jesus

By jamieivey on April 5, 2012

I’m afraid I’m not the biggest holiday celebrater (yes I just made that word up!).  I think I always chalk this up to me not being crafty or artsy, and therefore holiday’s don’t get celebrated very well around here.  I desire more than this, but it’s so hard!  This year I’m determined to do something with my kids for Easter.  I found a recipe for Empty Tomb Cookies that I’m going to dedicate this Saturday night to with my kids.  What fun!

 

We don’t do Santa or the Easter bunny around here and that’s okay with me.  (Jen Hatmaker talks about this on her blog much better than I ever could & in her book 7 - which I highly recommend)  For some reason I can’t muster up the strength to celebrate a man in a red suit or a bunny when it’s really about Jesus.  Here me say this loud and clear:  I DO NOT JUDGE YOU OR THINK LESS OF YOU IF YOU DO.  There I said it!  For real!  This is a decision our family made early on, and we’ve stuck to it.  It’s not that we don’t go sit on Santa’s lap and get the mandatory family picture each year, or hide eggs in our yard and hunt them, we just don’t celebrate Easter bunny and Santa when Jesus is also in the picture.

 

So, like you I’ve been searching the internet for ways to make this Easter all about Jesus and what he did for us.  Kelly over at FAITHFUL PROVISIONS listed out several Easter ideas. My favorite and the one I’m determined to try out is the EMPTY TOMB COOKIES.  I love this idea and cant’ wait to try!

 

Kristen at WE ARE THAT FAMILY blogged about 10 fun ways to keep Easter about Jesus.

 

I’m really wishing that I would have started my search for Easter ideas sooner and I would have done this COUNTDOWN TO EASTER that I found on this blog.  So fun and I just might work on this and do it all in one night.  Why not?!  It’s my Easter celebration, I can do it whenever I want, right?!?!

 

I need to know how you keep Easter about Jesus.  Send me your craft ideas, family night ideas, recipes, whatever it is I want to know!!!  If you blogged about it, send me the link so we can all go “pin” it and remember it for next year!

 

Easter 2010

Easter w/ friends 2010

sweet Easter girl

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April Challenge: Family Night every week

By jamieivey on April 3, 2012

My “year of motherhood” just sent me into a cold sweat since this month is about planning family nights for each week.  Pintrest here I come …..

 

Now, don’t think I don’t like spending time with my family, I love it, but planning themed nights is not my best quality.  I know that themes don’t make a family night special, but when thinking about this challenge I knew I wanted to up my game up just a bit.

 

We love doing what we call “family nights” around here and they consist of us all being home and eating dinner together.  For some of you that might be every night, but our busy schedules have us eating together for sure four nights a week.  If Aaron and I have something I try hard to make it where we don’t leave until after 7 so that we can at least be at the table with them while they are eating.

 

Amos is the #1 fan of family nights and to him this means that both dad and mom are home and we are eating together.  The thought of that can make him give the biggest smile ever.  That kid loves his family to be together!

 

So, for April I’m challenging myself to step up the family nights.  I’m thinking themes, and costumes, and decorations.  I know I’m probably shooting for the stars here, but I want to do some fun stuff.  I need your help though.  What family nights have you done?  What themes have you seen?  I’m thinking a camping family night where we eat “camp food” (whatever that is since I am 33 and have never slept one night in a tent!!!) and roast marshmallows and do some sort of craft to count down the days until our kids actually go to camp, which is nothing like “camping”, but to them it’s all the same right now.  I’m also thinking of doing a backwards night which I’ve seen a lot of people do.  You wear your clothes backwards and eat dessert first and even eat under the table, which I know our dog Scout will love.

 

My friend Julie sent me a few links to help with planning, so hopefully they will be useful this month.  She has blogged some of their family nights and sounds like she has this thing down!  Family Time Training was one of the sites and it looks as though they have a free planning guide each month to a new family night theme with games and scripture all ready for you.  Another site she sent me to was called PLUGGED IN and it is a site dedicated to reviewing media for parents and they have a section called “movie nights” where they actually have discussion questions for you to have a movie night with your child and then have a biblical based discussion afterwards.  Pretty cool!

 

April will surely challenge me as a mom. I want these nights to be fun, and all about the kids.  I want to leave all my stress behind and truly live in that moment with my kids.  If we are roasting marshmallows and there is stickiness all over the table I want to let it go and be with my kids!

 

Anyone joining me this month?  Family nights here we come ……

 

 

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Guest Post: Heather’s “first Friday’s”

By jamieivey on April 2, 2012

Last month was all about spending one-on-one time with my kids each week.  As I got further into the challenge I started to feel as though it was an impossible challenge.  I felt as though getting alone with one kid every week was asking for a miracle.  One of my favorite suggestions for this was to allow one kid to stay up 30 minutes later each night to spend time with mom and dad.  I loved that!  The next thing I found was a mom that has “first Friday’s” and on the first Friday of each month either her or her husband take one kid out for dinner.  As soon as I read it I loved it!  So, of course I asked her to share her story ………..

 

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It is an honor to be asked by Jamie to Guest Blog about our family’s “First Fridays!” I am a long-time reader of Jamie’s blog, and have especially loved reading her recent posts about her 2012 Better-Mommy Goals!

Like Jamie, I have found spending one-on-one time with my kids to be a serious challenge. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard. But oh my gosh! It is so hard! My husband Braydon and I have three adorable kids and two big careers all under one roof. It is a lot to juggle. We also have no extended family anywhere near us, so we rarely get a break. For years we struggled with knowing that we should be spending one-on-one time with our kids (especially our twins—twins are especially challenging in this arena!!!). We knew in our hearts how important this was, but we could not figure out how to prioritize it enough to actually make it happen on a regular basis.  We tried all sorts of things, in fits and starts, but none of them ever really stuck. And then, one year ago, we came up with a plan that has turned it all around for us…  Our “J-M Family First Fridays.”

This is how it works: We devote the first Friday night of each month to taking turns going out to dinner one-on-one with each of our kids. The first time I went out with Kyle, then the next month I went out with Owen, then with Meera. Then it was Braydon’s turn—he went out with Kyle, then the next month he went out with Owen, then with Meera. In six months each kid has gone out twice – once with each parent. This month we completed a full 12-month rotation – a whole year of First Fridays – and it is truly one of the BEST THINGS WE’VE EVER DONE FOR OUR FAMILY!

Spending alone-time with each kid is absolutely heavenly. We see a different side of them, and they see a different side of us. We can cater to them individually (picking a restaurant that their siblings might not enjoy as much as they would, listening to music in the car on the way that they particularly like, or running a special errand after dinner that is just for them). And we can talk in a focused way, for an extended period of time, with the individual kid. Our First Fridays have become invaluable in the life of our family.

The first couple of months it was hard to stick to it. By Fridays we’re all exhausted from the week, and often the last thing that Braydon or I really want to do is gather up the gumption to head out of the house for the evening. But it was immediately apparent just how incredibly important the one-on-one time was… for us ALL. Soon enough (by the third or fourth month), our routine was established, and now it comes very easy to us.

What we’ve learned is that a nice chunk of intentional time, blocked off on the calendar once a month, devoted fully to one-on-one, goes a long, long, long way. The special alone-time is something to look forward to when it is approaching, something to savor when it is happening, and something that anchors us as we remember our times together fondly. After doing it for a full year now I can honestly say that all five of us are thriving with our First Fridays— and we hope they will last forever (or at last until Braydon and I are empty nesters!).

 

Heather Johnson is a mother of three; Associate Professor of Sociology at Lehigh University; and wife to her best friend and soul-mate, Braydon McCormick. Braydon is the founder and CEO of rVibe, an Internet technology company. They adopted their twin sons, Kyle and Owen, from Haiti in 2005. Their daughter, Meera, was born in 2008. They keep a family blog at johnson-mccormick.com, which chronicles their ‘never-a-dull-moment life’ as a progressive, dual-career, inter-racial, adoptive, outdoorsy, travel-loving, foodie, family of five.

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The Year of Motherhood March update

By jamieivey on March 28, 2012

If someone would have walked up to me eight years ago as I held my precious 2 month old baby and told me that in eight short years you will have four kids and you will be trying to schedule one-on-one time with them each week, I would have looked at them like they had two heads.

What kind of mom has a hard time spending time with her kids? My mind back then would have said only the “bad” moms have to plan time with their kids! It’s kinda like when you first get married and that sweet couple that’s been married about 10 years longer than you and is chasing four kids around tells you that one day you will schedule sex … you laugh and think NO WAY. Well, YES WAY to scheduling sex and time with our kids!!

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I finished my March update over at INSPIRED TO ACTION today …. head on over there to read the rest.

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Asking advice from other moms

By jamieivey on March 25, 2012

I remember when I had a newborn and I had those friends that were just a few steps ahead of me.  You know the ones that I’m talking about.  The ones that have kids close enough in age to your new one that they actually still remember things.  I’m not that mom now.  The last baby at my house was six and a half years ago and I have no idea what I did or didn’t do, so don’t listen to a bit of my advice!

 

At the time when Cayden was born I found myself asking them a million questions every day.  Why isn’t he sleeping when I want him to?  Why does he only want to feed on one side?  When can I move him to his real bed and get him out of my room?  When does the spit up stop?  When should I do tummy time?

 

I needed to know everything and I really needed to know if I was doing it right.  I trusted these moms and their parenting and whatever they told me I took as the golden book of parenting.

 

Now fast forward six years later and we bring home a four and a half-year old from Haiti and I do the same thing I did when I brought my newborn home.  I found those friends that had brought kids home close enough to Amos that they still remembered what it was like to have a big kid join your family.  I asked them a million questions.  What will he eat?  Will he want to sleep in our room?  What if he doesn’t want to sleep in our room?  What if he doesn’t want to sleep with his brothers?  What do I do when he hits me?  What about time out’s, they okay?  What do we do to discipline him?  Do we even discipline him now?

 

They were gracious to me over and over again.  In fact just the other day, 2 years and 2 months later I texted a friend to ask a question about dealing with a child that comes from hard places.  She is in my shoes doing this daily as well.

 

I find it so comforting that when moms get together a lot of times we ask questions because we want to know if we are doing it right, or what works for them.  I always wanted to know what works for you and maybe it will work for me.  With my first baby I was very frustrated when things worked for girlfriends that didn’t work for me.  I thought I was doing something wrong.  I must have been.  It worked for them and not me.

 

Four kids later I don’t always feel that way.  Of course I ask for advice from others.  Of course I want to hear what others have to say, but I also want to do what’s best for my family and for my kids.

 

Tonight at dinner a mom was talking about how her child isn’t sleeping all through the night, and I found myself telling her what I did when I had a baby.  How I nursed on both sides, changed the diaper in between and actually got up and sat in the living room with the tv on.  I literally watched hours of infomercials!

 

I found myself telling her what worked for me as if it was the golden rule.  It isn’t and never was.  It just worked for me.  As I was feeling as though I could have sounded as if I knew it all, I told her that no matter what works for her, I’ve never heard of a 5-year-old waking up every 2 hours to feed, and so for sure she’ll eventually sleep all night.

 

Basically I was trying to say to her …. my way was not the best way.  It just worked for me.  Do what works for you.

 

Moms do what works for you.

 

I remember reading Jen Hatmaker’s book OUT OF THE SPIN CYCLE, which I highly recommend for all mothers, and her “ode to mothers” at the beginning of the book is hilarious and all so true.  You will find yourself cracking up at things you have said or thought before!  Hilarious.  We’re all in this together moms!

 

Enjoy!

 

A (FAIRLY LAME) ODE TO MOTHERS

An ode to the marvelous woman called “Mother”
Though not one of us is exactly like another.
From the second we’re born to the minute we die
Our preferences are as limitless as stars in the sky.

We might have been perfectly gracious before
But childbirth entered us in the Mommy War.
Rather than letting everyone else be
We criticize parenting that isn’t exactly like . . . me.

So once and for all let me put this to rest
None of us owns the title of “best.”
Natural childbirth does not make you a hippy
Epidurals are not just for women who want to feel trippy.

In a bathtub with a doula or in a hospital bed
We all got a baby with limbs and a head.
Nursing is great if nothing goes wrong
But some nipples turn inward and refuse to play along.

This is a choice for each mom–it’s her route
So it’s just A + B and everyone else can C their way out.
Schedules and timers do not make you cruel
Feeding on demand does not make you a fool.

In the nursery with a monitor or in the family bed
Every chick gets to pick where her baby lays his head.
If I see one more mom roll her eyes at “organic . . .”
“Partially hydrogenated” throws some of us into panic.

But neither judge Sonic burgers and fries
Some of us just want to enjoy food before we die.
Preschool, home school, public, or Montessori
Listen, my friends, and I’ll tell you a story:

Two moms differed on favorite school trends
Their kids turned out pretty much the same. The end.
If a girl gets the title of “mom” accidentally
The worst thing we can do is treat her judgmentally.

How about some love, some help, some advice?
She needs our love and we shouldn’t think twice.
Discipline through various methods will prevail
Look, we’re all just trying to keep our kids out of jail.

These things are just preferences, not right or wrong
What matters more is teaching our kids to get along–
To love and to share, to speak gently and kind,
To obey so that mom won’t go out of her mind.

Showing them Jesus is our common ground
Teaching them how he can always be found.
He’s present in public school and Waldorf (so trendy)
He’s over at Whole Foods but also at Wendy’s.

Jesus never cared about these sorts of things
It’s our hearts that he wants and the worship we bring.
It’s time for us moms to declare a truce
Regardless if we buy Capri Sun or 100 percent juice.

My way is not your way, and your way isn’t mine
But both of our kids will turn out just fine.
Rather than judging and looking down our noses
Let’s enjoy the common ground motherhood poses.

As believers, we all love the same good Lord
We all have children who tell us “I’m bored.”
We all need more sleep than these tiny five hours
Most of us struggle to find time for a shower.

We haven’t been to the bathroom alone in an age
Our mothers have all told us, “Relax, this is just a stage.”
We all love our babies so much we could die
We’d take a bullet for each one without batting an eye.

Though we are different, we’re in the same tribe
Motherhood requires a similar vibe–
Love and affection, sacrifice and grace
Laughter, which keeps the whole mechanism in place.

Though different, by the grace of God, I suspect:
ALL our children will rise up and call us … collect.

She looks well to how things go in her household. … Her children rise up and call her blessed. Proverbs 31:27—28

 

 

 

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March challenge update

By jamieivey on March 18, 2012

My challenge for the month of March is going just okay.  Not great.  Not bad.  Just okay.  I think I imagined more.  I imagined fun play dates each week with each kid.  I imagined ice cream cones and skipping down the street and lots of snuggles and times of doing nothing.

 

Truth is that life doesn’t really roll that way.  At least not in our house.  I’m honestly having the hardest time being alone with my children outside of our home.  Does anyone have this mastered?

 

I have taken a few trips to the grocery store and instead of asking Aaron to watch all the kids so I could be alone in the grocery store (because we know sometimes that is pure bliss) I have taken one kid along with me.  That counts as alone time, but to me it isn’t the FUN ALONE TIME I was envisioning.

 

I am thinking about this a lot, and striving to be intentional with them, but some days life takes over and I realize I never was alone with any of them.  There are always 2 or 3 kids around me.

 

Am I alone here?

 

How do you do it?

 

Tonight I was tucking Deacon in and I asked him what his favorite thing to do with mom was.  After what seemed like hours of silence where he was thinking and I was surely convinced he could think of nothing that I ever do fun with him, and I was the worst mom ever, and am ruining him for life, he smiled and said he liked the duck place where we get brownies.

I thought for a while and realized he was talking about Quack’s, which is a local bakery that we have shopped at before.  I asked him if he wanted to go there this week with just him and I and he got the biggest smile on his face.  I told him he could get a brownie and I would get a coffee and we could just talk.

He leaned down and gave me a huge hug.  It made my day just knowing that he was excited about him and I heading out for a date.

 

This week at Central Market I pulled Amos aside for a moment and had some snuggles.  He is a very affectionate kid, but can sometimes get embarrassed by my affections in public.  Any attention kinda embarrasses him.  :)

 

I’m still yearning to be intentional with my kids.  Aaron has taken some time off and we’ve had lots of family time, and so that has been so helpful, but I still haven’t mastered a system for me being alone with each kid every week.  Story & I have it mastered because 3 days a week it’s just her and I!  We get lots of alone time.

How has your one-on-one time been this month with your kids?  Have any great advice for me?

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My journey to Motherhood & how I used to think “LIFE ISN’T FAIR”

By jamieivey on March 7, 2012

I remember when I was growing up how I would complain about how life just wasn’t that fair.

I would utter those words to my mom and every single time she would say back to me, “life’s not fair”, and I hated her response to my feelings of life cheating me out of something.

 

In fact I am sure I swore that when I was a mom, I would never utter those awful words to my sweet children.

 

It’s funny because when you grow up you realize that those feelings of “life isn’t fair” still exist in your head.  You look around to other friends and feel pangs of jealousy or envy when life seems to be treating them so well and you feel as though you got the raw end of the deal.  You look at your friends getting married to great guys and you somehow keep attracting the most loser boyfriends around.   That seems unfair.  You look at your friends having one baby after another and your body isn’t cooperating with your desires and that seems unfair.  Your friend that started the adoption process after you and already had her kid home as you continue to wait, that seems unfair.  Your friend whose husband has a fabulous job and she doesn’t even have to work and you and your man are busting your tails to make ends meet, that seems unfair.

 

I have sometimes found myself thinking that parts of my journey to motherhood just weren’t that fair.  As if I for some reason, I felt like I deserved more.  Like I was entitled to the good and easy life.  My road to motherhood hasn’t looked liked the movies, and I used to think that wasn’t fair.

 

I’m utterly embarrassed and ashamed when I say this, but I wasn’t happy when we found out I was pregnant with our first child.  It wasn’t in our plans.  Our plans were very different and me getting pregnant 2 months after we moved to a new place so my husband could pursue a dream and I could work to support us wasn’t in our plans.

 

I felt like this wasn’t fair.  I am working to support my husband.  We were following God and following a dream and his plan is not what we thought was best.

 

When we journeyed to our second son it was through domestic adoption and the wait was awful.  Hoping and praying for a birth mom to choose you to be the parents to her child for the rest of your life is a hard thing to yearn for.  On one hand you are yearning for a baby, which means that a mom is making the hardest choice of her life, but on the other hand you want what’s best for that baby, and if that means staying with mom forever then oh how you pray it happens, or if that means this child becoming your child then that’s what you pray happens.  In the moment, life seems unfair.  Not unfair to me, but unfair to a child that has no choice in the matter, and unfair to a woman who has to make a decision that changes her life forever.

 

Our next two children joined our family through international adoption and if up until this point in my life I thought I was being treated unfairly, this was the icing on the cake.  When we learned about our children in Haiti, Amos was 2 years & 3 months and our daughter, Story, was literally days old.  We were in love.  They needed parents and we were confident that God had led us to them and we were going to be their family.

 

We began the grueling paper work and finally our papers were in Haiti and we began to wait and wait and wait.  My husband or I would visit them every few months for the next 2.5 years as we waited.  Those trips were life altering.  I’m still not recovered from the emotions those trips developed in me.

 

I can’t explain to you what it’s like as a mom to leave your children at home and visit your other children in another country 3 times a year and have to leave them every single time.  You love them deeply.  You yearn for them to be home with you and your husband and your other kids.  You literally ache for their bodies in your arms when you are not there.  It is a crippling experience that I hated and many times found myself asking God “why me?”.  Why us?  We love you.  We serve you.  Why are my kids not home?

 

THIS IS NOT FAIR.

 

I realize now that in my finite little mind things seem unfair, but in the big scheme of life they are part of a bigger plan by God.  Each of my “life’s-not-fair” moments in life have been hard for sure, and at the time seemed unbearable, but in the end life goes on and God brings good from each of those things.

 

I believe that just when we start to feel as though this just isn’t fair, God has a lesson, or a reason behind what’s happening.  I may never know why my kids had to wait for 2.5 years to come home, but I am learning little by little to truly believe in God’s ways and trust his ways over mine.  That is hard, but in the same way it feels very comforting to know that he’s in everything.  Nothing is new for him or surprises him.

 

The other day after my kids were going on and on about “this isn’t fair” or “that’s not fair”, I thought I would turn the tables on them.  I thought I would prove to them how awful they sounded and see if it got them to think about how silly they sound to be saying something’s not fair, when in fact they have a very nice life.

 

Of course I lied to them.  How else is a mom supposed to prove her point?!?!?

 

I told them that I had a “friend” and she told me that her kids never argue or talk back.  I went on and on about this and then I went into the whining of “life’s not fair” I wish my kids never argued or talked back.  They all looked at me as if I had just said I wished I had her kids and not my kids.

 

LIFE IS JUST NOT FAIR

 

They moved on and I figured I had just done a lousy job of parenting and probably screwed them up even worse.  I forgot about my analogy until the next day when my oldest came to me and we had this conversation.

 

He said, “Mom you remember how you said it wasn’t fair that your friends kids never argue.”

 

“Yes I remember”

 

He then said, “well what if her kids aren’t as cute as us, or what if her kids don’t rub her head when she reads books to them, or what if her kids don’t like to snuggle with her … do you still think it’s not fair?”

 

Oh my gosh I stopped in my tracks.  He was right.  There was good in the situation.  He took what I was telling him very literally and thought I was really upset that my kids weren’t as good as hers (I know I probably screwed them up for life, although I’m pretty certain that has already happened) and he was bound and determined to find things that they did that her kids didn’t.  He listed some of our favorite things to do together.  We love to read books together, and they always comb my hair while I read (you know you do this too!) and we snuggle in bed together, or while watching a movie.

 

You see life wasn’t unfair to me all those years when I was feeling as though it was.  It was just my journey.  It was my story.  I was given that story for a reason, and I’m proud of the pain and suffering and sorrow that I went through to get to my kids.  They are worth every single time I wrongly thought, “life isn’t fair” because I’m so glad for the person I am today because of my journey to motherhood.  God never left me or abandoned me, he was there all along even in my moments of thinking “life isn’t fair”.


This post was also linked at WRITE IT, GIRL

 

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March challenge: One on One Time with Each Kid

By jamieivey on March 5, 2012

Thank goodness February is over and I can be on my computer all day long now while my kids are awake.

 

Just kidding.

 

All 29 days of February were hard for me and I learned so much about myself.  I was constantly reminded of my selfish heart and my need for control in doing things when I wanted to do them instead of putting them off until bedtime or nap time.  I wrote all about February on Kat’s blog, and you can read about how February went for me over there.

 

Now it’s March and to tell you how busy our family has been lately, it’s March fifth and I’m just now bringing the challenge up on my blog.  Oh I have thought about it and even implemented it, but put together no computer time while kids are awake challenge, giving up social media for lent, a conference here last week, and I have had no computer time!

 

This month I’m challenging myself to spend one on one time with each kid each week.  If you have one kid I think you might judge me a bit for having to make this a challenge.  I think one of the hardest things about having four kids is the lack of individual time they each get with each parent. It seems that with each kid you add, you have less time one on one with the other.  I’m a fan of four kids and love it, I’m just pointing out one of the struggles that our family has.

 

Time and money are issues that you have to address.  Time with each kid individually means that three kids are getting no attention if I’m the only parent here.  Money with spending one on one time can add up very quickly if I’m feeling like I have to “do” something with my kids outside the house that costs money.

 

Here’s what March looks like for me.  I’m going to fight for intentionality.  To be WITH my kids.  To be ENGAGED in them.  To LISTEN to them.  To BE with them.  This doesn’t mean that I take a kid to a baseball game each week and spend an arm and a leg on nasty hot dogs and nachos.  That is fun and I just did that with the boys and it was such a fabulous mommy-son night!

This past week I asked Amos to help me with dinner while the other kids played.  He LOVES to do this and it can make his day to help in the kitchen, and it allowed us to talk without the other brothers interrupting or Story needing something.  It was just him and I.  I was able to encourage him for his help and ask about his day with intentionality.

 

Yesterday, Deacon was showing me some jacks that he had gotten from his teacher.  I was super busy and could have easily smiled and continued on with laundry, but I didn’t.  I remembered my desire to be WITH them, and I asked him to show me how to play, and we played.  I think the game is stupid, but he doesn’t and it was just him and I for a few moments, and that is worth it all!

 

My desire for this month is to be a continual reminder that my kids deserve all of me.  Life can get so busy and the calendar can fill up so quickly, but at the end of the day I want my priorities to fall into line where they are supposed to be.

You wanna join me for March? 

Spend one on one time with each kid each week for the month of March.  Leave me a comment if you are joining!  We’re all on this motherhood journey together!!

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Day #1 of Empowered to Connect Conference

By jamieivey on February 17, 2012

I spent all day today at the EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE that is put on by SHOW HOPE, and my brain is fried.  Literally friend, it’s fried and done working.   We got to hear from Dr. Karen Purvis a lot today and I swear to you I want to kidnap this woman and hold her hostage in my home for a month, or a year actually.  I want her to dissect all my awful parenting skills and present me with new ones in a nice package all wrapped with a great bow! I devour every word out of this woman’s mouth.  Doesn’t that sound reasonable.  Surely she would understand my desire to kidnap her and make her tell me all the secrets to parenting well.

 

On a serious note, because kidnapping Karen Purvis to make her help me parent is clearly not serious, nor a good idea, I have gained so much insight today.  As I said my brain hurts, but y’all my heart hurts too.  I feel sad and defeated.  I feel lonely and afraid.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel as though this is too hard, and I’m not cut out for this.

 

While Brad, Noelle and I rode back to our house we’re staying in we all talked about all the ways we suck at parenting.  Everything we’re doing wrong.  All the times we’ve screwed up.  So many ways we’ve failed our kids.

 

I then said that we can’t live in this world of beating ourselves up.  It’s not healthy.  We need to live in the grace God gives us.  Accept his rebuke and forgiveness and move on.  Try to be better and do the right thing, and when you do praise yourself and when you don’t be gracious with yourself.

 

I’m preaching this to myself, because instead of listening today and nodding my head in agreement with the things we are doing right and the things we have done that are benefiting my child (because thankfully there was some stuff I’m doing right), I only remember the tears that came as I realized things we’re doing are not good, and could be harming our child’s growth in trust and security with us.  It’s easy to forget the way we do provide a secure environment and loving words and touch to our child and only think about the times we’ve selfishly chosen our own will over being a parent that’s emotionally connected to their child.

 

You see, I’m preaching to myself.

 

I have so much to unpack from today.  Right now, I’m alone in my room and missing my kids like crazy.  Normally I would love to be away from them and have peace and quiet, but after today I only wanted to touch their faces, hold their hands, snuggle with them and look in their eyes and connect emotionally with them.  I desired my kids so much when the last speaker was done and we were through. I physically ached to hold them.

 

But tonight I can’t.

 

Although … thanks to Apple I did get to see their faces and give them telephone kisses.

 

Tomorrow is another day at the conference and I honestly don’t know how much more my brain and heart can take.  I’m ready to learn and be reminded of what things work best with parenting children who come to us hurt and from hard places.  I desire so badly to be the best mom possible I can to all four of my precious babies.  I’m begging God to mold me and change me into a mom that is there for my kids not just with physical presence, but also and probably more importantly with emotional connection.

 

I have so much to share from this conference.  I’ll leave you with this.  I will find a way to say “YES” more than I say “no”.  I will find more ways to give my kids a voice, even if it means compromise.  I will not view compromise as a win for the kid and a loss for parent.  I will view it as a voice.  Every kid deserves a voice.  I will take my own sinful patterns and ask Jesus to stomp them out and help me walk through my past and see how I can change patterns and behaviors in my life to help me be a better parent.

 

Oh there’s so much more to talk about …. until then I need a glass of wine and a mindless tv show.  My brain is fried.

 

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