Day #1 of Empowered to Connect Conference

By jamieivey on February 17, 2012

I spent all day today at the EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE that is put on by SHOW HOPE, and my brain is fried.  Literally friend, it’s fried and done working.   We got to hear from Dr. Karen Purvis a lot today and I swear to you I want to kidnap this woman and hold her hostage in my home for a month, or a year actually.  I want her to dissect all my awful parenting skills and present me with new ones in a nice package all wrapped with a great bow! I devour every word out of this woman’s mouth.  Doesn’t that sound reasonable.  Surely she would understand my desire to kidnap her and make her tell me all the secrets to parenting well.

 

On a serious note, because kidnapping Karen Purvis to make her help me parent is clearly not serious, nor a good idea, I have gained so much insight today.  As I said my brain hurts, but y’all my heart hurts too.  I feel sad and defeated.  I feel lonely and afraid.  I feel inadequate and unworthy.  I feel as though this is too hard, and I’m not cut out for this.

 

While Brad, Noelle and I rode back to our house we’re staying in we all talked about all the ways we suck at parenting.  Everything we’re doing wrong.  All the times we’ve screwed up.  So many ways we’ve failed our kids.

 

I then said that we can’t live in this world of beating ourselves up.  It’s not healthy.  We need to live in the grace God gives us.  Accept his rebuke and forgiveness and move on.  Try to be better and do the right thing, and when you do praise yourself and when you don’t be gracious with yourself.

 

I’m preaching this to myself, because instead of listening today and nodding my head in agreement with the things we are doing right and the things we have done that are benefiting my child (because thankfully there was some stuff I’m doing right), I only remember the tears that came as I realized things we’re doing are not good, and could be harming our child’s growth in trust and security with us.  It’s easy to forget the way we do provide a secure environment and loving words and touch to our child and only think about the times we’ve selfishly chosen our own will over being a parent that’s emotionally connected to their child.

 

You see, I’m preaching to myself.

 

I have so much to unpack from today.  Right now, I’m alone in my room and missing my kids like crazy.  Normally I would love to be away from them and have peace and quiet, but after today I only wanted to touch their faces, hold their hands, snuggle with them and look in their eyes and connect emotionally with them.  I desired my kids so much when the last speaker was done and we were through. I physically ached to hold them.

 

But tonight I can’t.

 

Although … thanks to Apple I did get to see their faces and give them telephone kisses.

 

Tomorrow is another day at the conference and I honestly don’t know how much more my brain and heart can take.  I’m ready to learn and be reminded of what things work best with parenting children who come to us hurt and from hard places.  I desire so badly to be the best mom possible I can to all four of my precious babies.  I’m begging God to mold me and change me into a mom that is there for my kids not just with physical presence, but also and probably more importantly with emotional connection.

 

I have so much to share from this conference.  I’ll leave you with this.  I will find a way to say “YES” more than I say “no”.  I will find more ways to give my kids a voice, even if it means compromise.  I will not view compromise as a win for the kid and a loss for parent.  I will view it as a voice.  Every kid deserves a voice.  I will take my own sinful patterns and ask Jesus to stomp them out and help me walk through my past and see how I can change patterns and behaviors in my life to help me be a better parent.

 

Oh there’s so much more to talk about …. until then I need a glass of wine and a mindless tv show.  My brain is fried.

 

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My need for control isn’t working.

By jamieivey on February 15, 2012

Idols.

We all have them.

I hate mine.
But oh how I love mine.
Wait? I really do hate mine.
But sometimes I act like I truly love mine.

That’s the problem. They are constantly pulling on me, and I’m constantly trying to lose them.

Recently our pastor, Matt Carter, has been speaking on idols. How we have things in our life that take the place of our God. In one sermon he listed out four ways we could identify our idols. I was pretty certain I would struggle with one, maybe two on a really bad day. After he listed them I’m pretty sure I’m batting 1,000. 4 for 4 people. That’s how screwed up I am!

Comfort.
Power.
Control.
Approval.

Watch this video when you have 42 mintues. You won’t regret it. Or download the podcast so you can listen while you are stuck in traffic.

Counterfeit Love: Idols Identified from The Austin Stone on Vimeo.

This morning my control idol raged and took down one of my kids with it. I like to be in control of things. When my kids are obeying I feel in control. When my kids are doing just as I ask I feel in control. I like control.

I hate feeling out of control.

That’s maybe why God has so graciously allowed me to be the mommy to a very fabulous 6 year old boy who came home to us hurting and needing power and control as well. He pushes my control button and I think I push his. We are a great match.

Let me say this one thing and then I’m back to this morning … I didn’t get up before my kids. They woke me up. This morning was chaotic. I’m fully convinced this morning would have looked completely different had I been disciplined in the act of waking up “for” my kids and not “to” my kids. Okay. I screwed up. I know this. I’m basking in God’s grace to me today. New mercies every morning!

I won’t tell you what brought out the actions in Amos, but I asked him to do something (not out of the ordinary, he has to do this a lot – part of morning routine!) and he was pissed and not having it. Stomped his feet. Folded his arms. Rolled his eyes. Refused.

Oh can you feel my control idol raging. I do not like feeling out of control. When a kid acts this way I feel as all control is gone. Gone. I’m losing. I must win.

Fast forward 30 minutes and I won alright, but there were many tears, and one kid very late to school. I won. I didn’t care about his heart. I won.

Amos got off to school and all was fine. We were happy with each other and the drama was over. I had won. At least I thought I had won. My winning came at the expense of Amos, and him not getting a heart lesson, and only a “YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, OR ELSE” lesson. Yuck. Yes my control idol flared. I needed to feel in control. I accomplished feeling that control at the expense of not parenting my child’s heart and only demanding the appropriate actions.

I actually lost.

Unfortunately so did Amos.

0-0 for both of us. No one wins.

So … I called Aaron and my girlfriend and talked it through. I need control. The thing is I also need to parent my child correctly. I truly want that too. I need to view having control of my child differently. I need to not feel out of control when a child doesn’t obey, because aren’t we here to help them when they make bad choices? Aren’t we here to help their hearts learn to trust and love? Aren’t we here to help them learn to obey out of the over-flow of their heart and not just so mom doesn’t yell?

I missed it this morning.

After I talked it through I told Aaron, that I was choosing to accept God’s grace. Admitting that I screwed up and that I should have handled it differently, and I wouldn’t walk around defeated today. I would ask God to clearly help me when this raging need for control rises in me. I would ask God to help me parent my child out of love and through the love of Christ and not my need to look good with “perfect” children.

Parenting a child that has entered your home via adoption is a bit different. God is molding me each day through this. Next time this happens, probably today at some point, I’m going to realize that my need for control can not be bigger than my desire to love my kids with all I have and parent them well. That’s my true desire. That’s what I want.

Oh Lord help us parents to parent well. Help us to show grace as you show grace to us. Help us to love as you have loved us. Help us to guide as you guide us. Help us lay down ourselves for those around us. Help us lean into you when our need for control rises up in us. Help us to trust in your plan and your goodness and your faithfulness.

Gosh I love my kids.

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Guest Post: The Payoff is Worth the Price

By jamieivey on February 13, 2012

My “year of Motherhood” has been somewhat inspired by a blogger that writes for us women and moms inspiring us to be all that we were created to be.  Kat from Inspired to Action has such wisdom in her words, and I hope to meet her face to face one day and not just through email and twitter.  I asked her to share with my readers about her challenge at realizing she wanted to give it all to motherhood.  Enjoy!

 

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The Payoff Is Worth The Price

I used to be a soccer mom, but not the normal kind.

When our girls were little, my husband came home with a flyer about a women’s soccer league and even though I had never played and had no idea how to play soccer I knew it involved running around a lot and kicking things…so I signed up.

It was so fun. About halfway through the season, I thought I was getting the hang of it and in one particular game, one of my teammates was really struggling on defense. The girl she was guarding was faster than she was and all through the game I kept having to run over to that part of the field to help out.

PLAY YOUR POSITION
Finally, I went to the coach and, not so humbly, suggested that since I was kinda fast (Yep, I said that. Not my finest moment.), maybe I should take her spot.

He smiled, looked at me kindly and said, “Thanks, but I really need someone there who will play their position and not run off and chase after the ball constantly.”

Well, that was embarrassing.

It was really humbling at the time, but it stuck with me as an incredible life lesson.

LAY IT DOWN
Shortly thereafter, we were expecting our third child, and at the time I did freelance web development work, wrote a couple blogs, played soccer, led a small group at our church and had various other responsibilities in addition to taking care of my two girls.

But I felt strongly that God wanted me to “play my position.” To lay down all the other things I was doing and fully embrace my role as a mom. So I stepped back from those other commitments and began to focus on being the best mom I could be. It was hard. I gravitate towards business and grownup-y things. Kids? Not so much. I never even knew my mom, so I was stepping into completely unchartered territory. I didn’t know what it was like to be a daughter, so how could I begin to be a mom?

(Note: This isn’t a post about working outside the home or not. Goodness knows Jamie’s had that discussion one or a million times. But it *is* about the power of fully embracing whatever position we are in and letting God show His beautiful strength in our weakness.)

FOR MY KIDS NOT TO MY KIDS
A few months later, I hit a low point. It had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And I was sure I was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mom. I felt like I was completely failing.

After I’d finally gotten all the kids to bed, I sat down and went straight to the ugly cry, I thought, “Lord?! What am I doing? I was an awful mom today. My kids are going to need years of therapy because of my grump-o-matic attitude today. Help me…!”

Honestly, I knew what I needed to do before my prayer even ended. I knew, but I wasn’t excited about it. I needed to get up earlier and spend time with Him in the morning like I used to.

I didn’t really want to do it. I’d given up so much (or so I thought) for motherhood. I didn’t want to give up the little sleep I got, too.

Because when you’re a mom of little ones, things that you never dreamed would be optional, become optional. Like bathing. And eating hot food. And for me, my quiet time had gone by the wayside too in those early years of sleep deprived survival.

But I knew that it was time to start getting up FOR my kids instead of TO my kids. And so I did. Cue the spot light and angelic chorus. That was the start of a truly consistent, life giving morning habit of reading my Bible, praying, focusing on Him, and allowing Him to order my heart and my day.

THE PAYOFF
And out of that time, out of the overflow of His word and His grace, He began transforming me. I slowly developed a newfound passion for motherhood. I saw through my children’s eyes like never before. I had so much more vision for who they were and who they could become. It had a fantastic impact on my attitude, my patience level and my heart for my family…

The payoff was well worth the price.

You will never wish you’d spent more time on Facebook reading about your number three best friend from third grade. You’ll never wish you’d watched more reality show marathons. And you’ll never wish you’d spent more late nights doing unimportant things.

Likewise…

You’ll never regret the time you spend in prayer for your children. You’ll never regret giving God more of your heart so He can mend it. You’ll never regret exchanging a late night of nothing for an early morning of everything.

Each day is a blank canvas, give Him the first opportunity to paint His truth on you. He chose you for your children. So let’s get up FOR our kids and not TO our kids. In those early morning hours, He will smooth out your rough edges, heal the broken places and make you into the mom you (and He) always dreamed you’d be. He called you to it, He will be faithful to do it. (1 Thess 5:24)

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8 days of no computer while kids are awake …

By jamieivey on February 8, 2012

Feb 1 @ 11:58 am and I’m sitting down to my computer b/c I just put Story down for a nap.  This morning has been so good and I have never really realized how much I sit on my computer during the day and waste time.  Seriously!  This morning I did a quick check of email before waking kids and posted to my HELLO MORNING group on facebook and that was it.  Then Story and I were gone and when I came back I did … wait for it … hold your breath …. chores.  Oh my gosh did the stars align just right or what?  I dusted.  I did laundry.  I organized a book shelf.  I got stuff to take to good will.  Y’all it was joyous!  Aaron will surely be so happy when he gets home from out of town and sees that I took down the nativity set that I’ve had up not since December, but yet from Thanksgiving of 2010.  Oh yeah it’s gone.

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Y’all I need to tell you that this month so far has been harder than January when I was trying to be disciplined in getting up before my kids each day.  This is just hard, because I do a lot on the computer.  I blog.  I email a lot.  I am now in charge of an auction.  All of those things require my computer.  I have found myself wanting to sneak in a peek here and there, and honestly some days I convince myself that this discipline for this month is worth it and other times I find myself sitting down to check my email real quick while Story is watching Dora.  I mean, what’s wrong with that?  The truth is that there is nothing wrong with that.  I’m not trying to do everything right to be a good mom, and if I screw up I’ll feel like I’m a bad mom, but yet what I am trying to do is to challenge myself to be less selfish in my time!  I’m challenging myself to be disciplined in areas that I haven’t normally been disciplined in.

 

So, 8 days in and I’m telling you this challenge is harder than getting my lazy butt out of bed in the morning.  :)   I’m finding myself racing to the computer when Story’s napping, or when I get up in the morning, instead of going straight to my bible I first check in on my computer!  :)

 

Anyone doing this with me?  How’s it going?  Easier than you thought or harder?

 

 

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Chores for kids

By jamieivey on February 6, 2012

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no computer time while kids are awake!

By jamieivey on February 1, 2012

Yesterday I finished month #1 and this leads me to month #2 that starts today.  I’m already scared of this one as I have committed to be off of my computer during any waking hours of my kids.  This means no checking email when my kids are playing outside, no seeing how people are living on facebook while making breakfast, no writing blogs while Story plays beauty shop with my hair.  No computer time while my kids are awake.  This means I should be able to clean my house more, read more, talk to my friends on the phone more, write an actual letter to someone, read to Story, play checkers with the kids more, study my bible more, memorize scripture better, and soak up the sun while the kids play.

 

NO COMPUTER WHILE MY KIDS ARE AWAKE.

 

That’s my goal for February.  I can do it, I know I can.  The four kids God has put here with me are way more important that facebook statuses, blogging, and twittering during the day.  It’s gonna be hard.  I mean dang hard.  I’m gonna wanna cheat, I just know it.  I can do it.  I can do it.  I can do it!

 

Anyone want to join me???  Come on, all the cool kids are doing it!

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End of month 1 of THE YEAR TO BE A BETTER MOM

By jamieivey on January 31, 2012

My first month in my New Year’s Challenge to BE A BETTER MOM is over today, and let me tell you it was hard.   I learned a lot about myself, our family, my kids and how dang selfish this momma can be sometimes.   I would say that I did what I set out to do about 80% of the time and for that I’m proud and also disgusted all in the same thoughts.  Proud because I accomplished my goal about 80% of the time and disgusted that I chose my own comfort and desires over my kids and the peace in my home 20% of the time.

 

I will continue getting up because I’m still in the middle of my HELLO MORNING CHALLENGE, but honestly this is a discipline that I want to continue to work on because I see the fruit of it.  When you see the fruit of something you want to continue to work on it.  Even on the days that you feel selfish, always in the back of your mind you know what you should do because you have seen the fruit.

 

On the days that I lay in bed and snooze for an hour and a half (yes that happened this month) our mornings are terrible.  Kids are cranky and I’m cranky and then dad’s cranky and you know what …. our house is no fun.  I hate to send my kids off to school when our mornings have just out right sucked, and y’all that is what happens when I chose my own comfort over my God-given role as momma to these four kids.  I do believe that God has placed me here to parent them and to do that the best that I know how, and I know that for me getting up is a huge factor in the way our house runs in the morning.

 

When I get up I’m not dressed, showered and ready to go out on the town, but I am up, brushed my teeth, and spent time reading my bible.  The consistency of being in the word before I get my kids up has done so much for me.  To put my mind on the words of Jesus as I read through the gospels has affected me each morning.  Literally my house is dark, except for the light over the table where I sit.  There is no sound except when my dog Scout breathes heavy to let me know I’ve interrupted her REM sleep. It’s me, my glass of water, my bible, my prayer cards and the whole day ahead of me.

 

There is something beautiful about that.

 

Kissing my kids on the faces as I wake them up is joyous to me and such a better way to start the day then them waking me up and me realizing we are about 32 minutes late for school already and we’ve not even eaten breakfast!

 

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Transformers helps Amos feel connected.

By jamieivey on January 23, 2012

About half way through last semester Amos started wanting a new backpack and complaining about the one that he had.  I told him that he didn’t need a new backpack because his wasn’t even a year old and it was in perfect condition.  That’s what we do here at the Ivey house, we wear it/use it until it doesn’t work anymore.  Frugal people.  There are four children here.

 

After a few more complaints I finally asked him why he wanted a new backpack.  It was bothering me how much he was bringing it up.  I was thinking he was ungrateful or didn’t clearly understand that his backpack worked perfectly fine.  Cayden has had his backpack since before kindergarten and he’s in second grade.  Works fine, so we’re still using it.  That’s how I roll.

 

He told me he wanted a backpack with someone on it.  I was confused, so I asked more questions.    He told me all the kids had Spider Man, or Bumblebee, or Transformers ….. SOMEONE on their backpack and his was plain grey with NO ONE on it.

 

OH … he wanted what all his friends had.

 

So, then my speech changed from we have something that’s perfectly good, to the speech about not wanting what others had.  You know the one.  We need to be grateful for what we have … blah blah blah blah.  You’ve given it, you know you have.

 

Fast forward a few weeks, and he is still talking about it.  In fact some days he’s quite sad about it.  I stuck to my guns.  Your backpack works fine.  It’s new.  It’s in great shape.  Who cares what others have.  It doesn’t matter.

 

A few days before Christmas I was searching for the perfect gift for Amos and literally all I could think about was him talking about wanting SOMEONE on his backpack.  As much as I tried to tell him it didn’t matter if his was different, to him it did matter.

 

Being different REALLY matters to Amos.  We have seen this play out at other times in his life,  but more than any other kid in our family, it matters to him.  Amos wants to be accepted.  Amos wants to be “normal”.  He wants to be like everyone else.  I admit that I struggle with this sometimes too, but for Amos it’s more than just normal issues of wanting to be accepted.  He truly desires to be included.  Not to be left out or forgotten.  In his eyes his backpack set him apart from the other kids in his class.  He was the different one.

 

You see, I’m convinced that the four and a half years he lived as an orphan changed him.  There is a huge void in his heart and the longings to be wanted, accepted and a part of something are constantly nagging at him.  Even having a backpack that’s different is really hard for him.  Plain grey just doesn’t make him like the other kids.  In his sweet little six year old mind only Transformers can connect him to his friends.

 

Aaron and I can love him and accept him and nurture him all day long, and that hole is still there.  It’s big.  Some days it seems much bigger than other days.  I am 100% convinced that there is only one person that can truly fill this hole in Amos’ heart, and that is Jesus.  I am confident that Jesus can do it, and I’m praying heavily that he will do it sooner than later.  When Amos sees the love that his FATHER in heaven has for him, this hole can be filled.  When Amos sees the acceptance that we have from God and the family that we belong to with him, this hole can be filled.

 

Jesus loves Amos dearly and desires the best for him.  My prayer is that not only will Amos see this one day, but that Aaron and I will remember daily that our God designed Amos perfectly and put him in our family for a reason and that he has great big plans for our sweet boy.  God is way bigger than any hole in my sons heart.  He is way bigger than abandonment and feelings of not belonging.  We have a big, big, big God that will not leave us where we are.

 

So, as I was walking around looking for that perfect gift for Amos I ran across a backpack at Wal Mart that was $10 and will for sure fall apart in about 6 months, but it had Transformers on it and I just knew that Amos would freak if I got it for him.  On Christmas morning, this was the one gift I was looking forward to being opened.  I couldn’t wait for Amos to see his new backpack with Transformers on it.  I didn’t care one bit that his old backpack was in perfect condition, my son wanted Transformers to feel more accepted and so that’s what his momma and daddy got him!

 

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Morning challenge update #2

By jamieivey on January 19, 2012

Well, here I am 2 weeks into my January challenge of getting up each morning before my kids to get my mind and heart ready to wake them up.  My goal in doing this is to create an environment in our home in the morning before school and church that is not rushed or so crazy that we never connect with each other.  I have been very guilty of waiting until the VERY last moment to get up, and that leads to stress in my home.

 

Monday was my first day in the HELLO MORNINGS challenge that Kat puts on through INSPIRED TO ACTION.  This is a way to stay accountable with a group of women.  I have my group and we check in every morning on facebook.  It’s kinda weird to be talking and saying Hi to women I don’t know each day, but I also find it very comforting to know that we are all in the same boat of trying to rise earlier in the morning to prepare our hearts and minds to be the best moms that we can be!

 

Here’s a few things I’ve noticed ….

  • I am truly enjoying starting my day in the Word.  This may not be where I study and dig, but I’m reading it and find myself thinking on what I read throughout the day.  Love setting my mind on things above first thing in the morning.
  • I still hate it.  I still cringe when my alarm goes off, and have yet to not snooze at least twice before getting out of bed.
  • I overslept on Monday (school holiday), and begged my children to stay in their rooms for 20 more minutes so I could read and pray.  They obliged and I was pleased.  I realized then, that I do like this alone time first thing in the morning.
  • Our mornings are so different.  In fact one day after I took the boys to school I come home and Aaron asked what was going on this morning.  He had heard me reading a book to them before school and thought it was crazy.  He said it was TOO CALM in the living room.
  • This is really helping Amos.  He’s the one that struggles so much with chaos, and I find myself living in chaos sometimes, so this is good for him.

I’m two weeks in and as much as I hate it each morning at 6am, I am seeing the fruit and benefits of it and that makes me happy.  Anyone else out there trying this?  How’s it going?

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My morning challenge update

By jamieivey on January 11, 2012

I’m about five days into my January goal of getting up before the kids and I still hate it.  Detest it.  Curse it.

 

How many days does it take to make a habit?  How many times do I have to do something before I love it?

 

This morning when my alarm went off, I literally cursed my alarm and rolled back over.  Oh my gracious I couldn’t believe it.  Finally I did get up and yes it was before 3 of my kids were up, but I didn’t get to read anything from my bible, which I’ve been doing each morning and love starting my day with God’s word.  Things were a bit chaotic because I spent an extra amount of time snuggling on the couch with one child, and we were lazy and didn’t set out our clothes and back-packs the night before.  (why does that make a world of difference in our morning?!?!)

 

As much as I detest getting up early, it’s made a huge difference in our house.  When I wake up and it’s completely dark and no one is up but me I usually start out bitter.  I’m just telling it like it is people.  I am mad that everyone’s tucked in nicely in their warm beds, and I’m up alone.  Then I get in the living room, and open up my bible and soak up as much as I can in 20 minutes before I go to wake up my kids.  During that quiet I actually am happy I’m up.  I don’t try to read a lot in my bible, but what I do try to do is read it well and think lots on it during the day.  Reading things like “I believe; help my unbelief” and “whoever receives one such child in my name receives me” and “truly, i say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it” and “but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be a slave to all” will make your morning start off quite well.  It’s as if I’m setting my mind on things above way before any of these kids wake up and start needing all I have.

 

One of my favorite things about getting up before my kids is that most of the time I get to sit on their bed and rub their backs while I welcome them into the new day.  It’s much better than turning the light on quickly and yelling for everyone to get up because we’re late!!!

 

So … that’s my little one week update.  I still have my jammies on and it’s 10am.  I haven’t worked out today and haven’t opened my bible yet.  Baby steps people, baby steps.

 

If you are trying this, how is it going?  I’m excited about the morning challenge I signed up for and hopefully it will get me encouraged to keep up this good habit long past January 31st.

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