The closer I get to Jesus the further I think I could fall. It’s the craziest thing ever, but just when I think someone could never do “that”, they do just “that”. I have been hurt by infidelity before, and so it is truly one of my worst fears in life. I have that fear that I’ll come home to find Aaron on the couch crying and telling me that he has something he needs to tell me. Then the sh*t will hit the fan and my life will be over.
It’s a very dramatic fear of mine, but none the less a truthful one that I struggle with. Do I truly think Aaron will ever do this, absolutely not. Do I now think that he could, absolutely.
A few years ago I would have said that Aaron would never do this to me. Never. Someone else’s husband might, but not mine.
My tune has changed a bit to where I now say that I don’t think Aaron will ever do this, but he is absolutely capable of it. Over the past few years Aaron and I have heard story after story of people choosing to fulfill their own comfort and desires over the sanctitify of their marriage. Each and every time, my heart breaks and I feel the weight of that old hymn that says
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
I’m so prone to wonder. So prone to leave the God I love that I beg him to bind my wandering heart to his. Here are a few things I’ve learned over the past few years of witnessing first hand what this can do to a person.
First of all I think we are all capable of the worst. As soon as I start thinking that I’m not then I have created a wall between me and the rest of the world. We are all sinners that in an instant would choose our own fulfillment over God. Paul talks about how he does not do the thing he wants, but the very thing he hates.
Secondly I have been reminded of how much God loves us that he wouldn’t leave us alone here to try and navigate through our fleshly desires. He’s entrusted us with the Holy Spirit to guide us, encourage us, purify us and reveal things to us. So, just as easily as I think Aaron could leave me for another woman, I have to trust that he won’t. I have to believe that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in him and will help him.
Thirdly I’m reminded daily of the grace that Jesus offers us. To me, this would be the worst thing Aaron could do to me, but although this sin would seem huge to me, it still receives the same grace I receive for my thoughts of jealousy towards someone. God’s grace covers a multitude of sins, and one of my favorite parts of the bible says “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If Aaron does come home one day and shatter my world, I believe that God will forgive him and restore him. I also believe that God will perservere our marriage through this. He’s just really good like that. He is the only one that can bring endurance, character and hope from suffering.
Every day I lay this fear at the cross, because to live in fear is to not trust. On very bad days this fear can overwhelm me and cripple my emotions. I’m choosing to trust God with this area of my life. Trusting that he knows the days of my life before me, and has planned them to bring me closer to him. Trusting that he will sustain me through whatever life brings. Trusting him that his word is true and life giving. Here’s where I’m getting my hope and peace today:
“Rejoice in the LORD always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The LORD is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”